Burgers

Last updated: November 8th, 2021 12:11 am

Click on burger’s name to reveal more info.

Special Edition
Config
  • aged beef patty
  • bacon
  • mustard sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
Review
The burger tastes good, but it’s ultimately unworthy of a higher score. However, it comes fully equipped with bacon. Therefore, as the law dictates, I am required to award it +½ point.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • cheese
  • iceberg lettuce
  • pickles
Review
Lemme tell you, I had to really restrain myself here for not giving this burger one star. Having ordered it at 7 Burger’s stand at Burgerfest, I watched with dismay as they put the cheese on the top of the bun (instead of on the patty a minute before taking it off the grill – like God intended) then proceeded to randomly throw other condiments on the bottom bun before hastily assembling this poor, sad little (actually decently-sized) burger. the end result was a burger with half the lettuce having fallen out and the (unmelted, of course) cheese almost following suit. Of course – just my luck – the pickle remained firmly entrenched between the bun and the patty.
Alas, the burger was actually decent at the end of the day. Against all odds. And that is ultimately what my rating was based on.

Config
  • beef steak slices
  • barbecue sauce
  • cheese
  • fried egg
  • onion rings
  • tomato
Review
When I hear “Ajda” the firs association that comes to mind is regular ol’ fast food. So when they added “Premium” to the name of their joint my eyebrows were instantly raised. This burger – beef sandwich with buns, really – was not inedible by any means. Granted, the meat was well done and a bit dry, everything else was basically OK I guess. Having said that, it also isn’t even close to the higher tier burgers on this list.
There’s a catch, however. About 50m away you will find a Hood Burger stand. That being the case picking Ajda over Hood would be extremely difficult to justify.

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Review
This is a very, very good chicken sandwich. It is not a burger, because its main ingredient is chicken. Are we clear? Good. You should still give it a try if you’re in the area, though. The portions are sizeable and it’s very tasty. Skip the ketchup, though.

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Review
Let me just get this out of the way so I can sleep better, because this is going to be a recurring theme. This is – as the hawk-eyed readers of the previous review may have already spotted – Also. Not. A. Burger. A burger requires beef. A foundation of chicken will result in a sandwich. That’s in the Bible. Look it up.

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Review
It’s a decent enough burger, I guess. Again, obligatory +½ point for bacon, but honestly, I found it a bit… fast food-y.

Config
  • dry-aged beef patty
  • truffle aioli
  • Stilton cheese
  • onion marmalade
  • apple slice
Extras: French fries & ketchup
Review
I have two problems with this burger. First, it used to be called ‘Royale with Cheese’ which is obviously a far superior and more distinct name (there are three “bosses” on this list alone). Second – and most importantly – check the price tag before ordering. Otherwise it’s gonna be tough for the next couple of months.

Config
  • dry-aged beef patty
  • truffle aioli
  • quail eggs
Extras: French fries & ketchup
Review
Quail eggs. Truffle Aioli. Kobe (allegedly). What’s not to like?
Well, I’ll tell you (kind of why I’m here): the portions are so small you’ll want another burger. But you won’t be able to get one, as you won’t have any money left. Heck, I’m still repaying the debt I incurred ordering these.

Config
  • dry-aged beef patty
  • house sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • bacon
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Extras: French fries & ketchup
Review
The fans of Pop’s Place are going to start noticing a pattern in these names.

Special Edition
Config
  • homemade butter bun
  • Black Angus beef batty
  • house sauce
  • double Cheddar cheese with pepper
  • rucola
  • caramelized red onion with bacon
  • spicy Pata Negra Lard
Review
This burger is enormous. It looks slightly above average in size from afar but once you get it in your hands you realize what an undertaking it is going to be. And by the way, to those who know me: if I’m saying this, you know this bad boy is a chonker. A Big Chungus, for all my contemporary memers out there.
I’m mentioning this for the people like me who will (or already did) encounter Bazen at Burgerfest so that they can decide whether or not to go for it accordingly. If you just want one burger to quench your hunger as efficiently as possible, this is for you. If, however, you go to Burgerfest to try a variety of burgers, maybe skip this one or find a person to share it with. Otherwise you might be done after one burger.
Size aside, this burger is good. the sauce is decent (and plentiful), the balance is good, the meat blend is great.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger buns
  • beef from matured ribs with smoked bacon
  • horseradish sauce
  • mayonnaise
  • ketchup
  • Cheddar cheese
  • fried bacon
  • caramelized onions
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
Extras: French fries
Review
The taste is OK I guess. Comes with fries. Averagely good overall. Nacho was perhaps not the best choice of cheese. But more than anything, the beef blend is simply not up to snuff. It’s the kind of patty I would have expected prior to Hood Burger coming on the scene and waking us all up to what burgers could be. Today, however, there is nothing about this burger that stands out from the competition. I would skip it.

Config
  • beef patty
  • barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crunchy smoked bacon
  • crunchy lettuce
Review
“Bitter disappointment” is how I would describe this burger in a nutshell. A friend and I visited this place and ordered this burger based off of a picture on Facebook. Let’s just say that the real thing does not do it justice. I mean that in a negative way. You may think me naive for falling for a promotional picture which is your prerogative, however allow me to point out that there are many better joints where they take honest photos. I guess Biljardna hiša has opted not to operate this way.
But OK, we’re professionals here (heh), let’s evaluate this devoid of first impressions. The burger is edible I guess, the meat and cheese taste very generic but the barbecue sauce picks up the slack. The thing is though, this burger costs as much or more than most 4+ star burgers on this list. So … yeeeah.

Config
  • pulled pork
  • spicy mayo
  • red onions
  • tomato
  • crunchy lettuce
Review
Allow me to list some positives before I trash this burger:

Um … the pork was fine I guess?
Other than that, this was just plain bad, no to ways about it. The mix of ingredients was ill-considered and not well put together. The sauce was overpowering. Probably some other shit my mind has already erased. Avoid.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger buns
  • beef patty
  • mustard-truffle sauce
  • barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar
  • caramelized onions
  • coleslaw
  • rucola
Review
Another case of me ordering this burger based on a picture. Once again, expectations shattered in the face of reality. It looked really sad, even for a delivery burger.
In a twist of fate, however, it actually turned out to be pretty solid. The sauce was great. The meat was a little tough but not too bad. The caramelized onions were present and good but in smaller quantities than anticipated. Cheese was much the same.
Overall, the whole was greater than the sum of its parts and I can only assume the burger would have been even better at the actual restaurant. Cautiously recommended.

Config
  • dry aged beef patty
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • mustard
  • Nacho cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • fried egg
  • tomato
  • lettuce
  • pickles
Review
I’m going to say something extremely controversial: this burger is too big.
Before I’m flogged for blasphemy, permit me to clarify. The burgers in this joint come with two patties by default (in fairness, this one – listed under ‘special’ burgers – only came with one, however the amount listed was the same as with its doubled brethren). Now, there’s nothing wrong with a double-decker from time to time, I perfectly understand an infrequent desire, nay need for hedonism. But not on every occasion.
Otherwise solid. Could use a pickle-reduction procedure though.

Config
  • dry aged double beef patty
  • honey-mustard sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • creme fraiche
  • fried egg
  • crispy bacon
  • tomato
  • lettuce
  • chilli
Review
As soon as I saw ‘creme fraiche’ in the config, I knew I had to try it. I was a bit skeptical as to whether it would work with other ingredients and was pleasantly surprised by the result.
Obligatory warning to the uninitiated: this burger is stacked. And you know that’s quite a statement, coming from me. Do NOT just casually waltz in and order this. Go on an empty stomach.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • cheese
  • red onions
  • rucola
  • tomato
Review
This may be the first time I place a classic burger on the same level as its flagship counterpart, Bulldog Burger. As you can see, this one lacks bacon and an egg. However, the bacon isn’t the crispy kind and I’m agnostic about this particular egg (by which I mean it neither diminishes nor enhances the overall taste in my opinion). So I guess you could save a bit of money and just order this one instead of its more full-featured incarnation. I dunno. To each their own.

Config
  • beef patty
  • bacon
  • homemade sauce
  • cheese
  • red onions
  • rucola
  • tomato
  • egg
Review
Very respectable flagship with a side of fries, all for a very reasonable price. Highly recommended.
I do have a minor gripe though. While I’m generally a fan of eggs (even in burgers), I’m somewhat ambivalent about the egg in this burger. It didn’t add anything in my opinion. But nor did it distract. So… I dunno.

Review
It’s a solid burger sold at normal prices. As you might have noticed I gave it a thumbs up, but there’s a very important caveat. Not five minutes away on foot you can find at least three better joints in terms of price and taste and quality. Furthermore, Burger Time doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of medium rare.
So to sum up: the burger is fine in isolation but considering the greater context I would rather recommend something else.

Config
  • lepinja bread
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • cheese
  • onions
  • lettuce
  • tomato
  • pickles
Review
Probably their best burger. The problem is that the joint itself is simply not up to snuff compared to the top contenders. In light of this, their best is average to below average when compared to the best. It’s not to say Cube’s burgers suck. Simply that when given choice between, say, them and Hood Burger or Lars & Sven or similar, I’d almost never pick them.

Special Edition
Review
A very impressive-sounding spec sheet left a lot to be desired. The burger was fairly bland. Does not live up to the name. For the one true Jefe on this list, refer to ‘The Boss’ from Pop’s Place.

Config
  • lepinja bread
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce with bacon bits
  • cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Review
Basically everything from Kraljevi Burger applies here except this is a lesser version.

Config
  • wholegrain ciabata
  • beef steak
  • truffle sauce
  • Brie cheese
  • rucola
Review
This is not a real name. “But what do you mean, it’s written in capital let-” Shush! ‘Rost’ is not a word. Spellcheck that bitch. “How is this relevant? Just tell me if it’s any goo-” I’m getting to that! Stop interrupting me!
Khm, as I was saying. It’s not that good. The second-rate mayonnaise-like “truffle” sauce (in quotes because I’m not buying it) drowned out all the other flavours. I’ve only tried it once, however, so keep that in mind.
For a similar – and better – take on this theme (moldy cheese, mushroom-based sauce, rucola), turn to ‘Le Brie’ from Hood Burger.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • caramelized onions
  • egg
  • coleslaw
  • tomato
  • lettuce
Review
In most other establishments, a burger like d’Burger’s own d’Slaninc would be considered a flagship. Not here. This one has all of the same ingredients as the aforementioned plus barbecue sauce, a fried egg, and coleslaw. And just like d’Slaninc, it pulls everything off brilliantly. One of my favorites.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • caramelized onions
  • tomato
  • lettuce
Review
Would-be flagship if it weren’t for d’Ojaja.
Seeing how that’s all I have to say about it, permit me a tangent.
As good as I think d’Burger’s burgers are, I find their menu a bit disappointing, broadly speaking. It almost looks like they put 5/6 of their burgers in a checklist and just randomly checked the boxes to get their current menu. Again, the resulting burgers are fine, however the diversity of their offering is rather lackluster. They are rather new to the game though so I hope this changes with time.

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Config
  • Black Angus tri-tip
  • Mišel sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • rucola
  • tomatoes
Review
We have a third one, boys and girls. Another joint that managed to pull off a beef steak sandwich. Not just that, it’s different enough to really stand out from the competition. Props.
But of course, nothing is ever black and white. And there is a dark side to this sandwich that will shock you to the very core: they misspelled “tri-tip” on the spec sheet. It says “tri tip”. I know. I’m sorry you had to see this. But I did warn you.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • coleslaw
Review
This is justd’Ojaja with missing ingredients. I’ts good, absolutely, but to my taste it’s not sufficiently distinct from the other burgers on the menu.
Then again, there are probably people out there who would scoff at the idea of barbecue sauce, caramelized onions and eggs being added to their burger – in other words, my arch enemies. And if they want to waste money on an inferior version of a burger, I say we let them.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • tomato
  • lettuce
Review
The best I can say about this burger is that it is inoffensive. Which also means – as you may have inferred – it utterly fails to be exciting and distinct in any way. Especially when you consider that you get d’Slaninc for only slightly more money.
TL;DR: good but get something else.

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Config
  • fried chicken
  • white house sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • tomatoes
  • lettuce
Review
Man, I want this to be good so bad. I’ve missed a good chicken sandwich ever since Americano closed. And this has all the groundwork – the sauce is on point, ingredients that make sense, a somewhat reasonable price. But the execution falls short – the chicken I received was fried for too long and was super dry.
Will be going back at some point to see if anything changed. For now, the score remains based on the one sandwich I ate.

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Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauces
  • cheese
  • bacon
  • rucola
  • tomato
Extras: French fries
Review
Excellent, this one. I more or less can’t name a single complaint about it. Now, some of you may criticize me by saying I’m being being unfairly generous because Dežela Okusov is located two minutes away on foot from my flat. To which my answer is: my lawyer has advised me to neither confirm nor deny that.
It should be noted that the burger also comes with a ton of fries, so you won’t leave hungry.
Well… unless you don’t eat. In which case, why did you come here?

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Config
  • fried chicken
  • homemade sauces
  • rucola
  • tomato
Extras: French fries
Review
*Sandwich

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Config
  • Angus beef steak
  • homemade sauces
  • cheese
  • rucola
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Review
This isn’t a burger, first of all. It’s sort of like a series of small steak sandwiches spread out (so bread is only at the bottom). Also, at the time of this writing the ingredients listed on the menu included wholegrain buns, which isn’t true – you get toast instead. Which isn’t bad necessarily, I’m just saying what it says on the menu isn’t what you get.
With the caveats out of the way, it was a decent dish, but as far as steak sandwiches go, there are better options available. Consider Hood Steak from Hood Burger or Roastbeef Steak from Lars & Sven instead.

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Config
  • grilled chicken fillet
  • house sauce
  • tomato
  • rucola
Extras: French fries
Review
It’s not bad but I’m not impressed. They simply took their classic burger and swapped the beef patty, cheese, and bacon for chicken. Let me be clear: I’m a fan of chicken sandwiches occasionally. But they require a different mix of ingredients than a regular burger to really stand out. Even simply tweaking the sauce a little to optimise it for poultry instead of beef would be a massive improvement.

Special Edition
Config
  • pulled beef
  • barbecue sauce
  • coleslaw
Review
First visit
One of the simplest not-really-burgers in terms of ingredients. They still pull it off … kind of. My portion unfortunately had way too much barbecue sauce. I’m not really sure if that’s the norm or a fluke. Either way, I’m grading based on the food I received not some theoretical optimal serving.

Second visit
Between the last time and this time I had forgotten I already visited this joint. On one hand, you could say they are not super memorable; I won’t push back much on that interpretation. On the other hand, not really a problem – their food is decent and I don’t regret ordering this again. Having said that, I must confess something: this second review was not planned. That is because at their stand they had a banner that said “Angus burger”. As any reasonable person would, I interpreted that to mean a grilled ground beef patty between two buns with various add-ons. Not so! It was a pulled beef sandwich. I feel hoodwinked. Hoodwinked, I tell you!

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
  • cabbage
  • red onions
Extras: French fries
Review
Basically a very slightly better version of Fany & Mary’s flagship – Krpan. A solid burger overall but not quite up to snuff when it comes to ingredient quality.

Config
  • Salisbury beef steak
  • dressing
  • Cheddar cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
  • onions
  • pancetta
Review
I incidentally noticed a picture of a burger in Fany & Mary’s window as I was walking by. My curiosity was piqued.
I was expecting a passable, generic, non-hipster burger. Instead, I got this bad boy. This burger is based on their own ‘Classic Burger’, but with a crucial difference: it comes equipped with tomato and – *drumroll* – bacon. That, I would argue, makes it their flagship. And a worthy one at that.

Config
  • Salisbury beef steak
  • dressing
  • Cheddar cheese
  • lettuce
  • onions
Review
This burger is generally fine. However Fany & Mary’s own Krpan Bacon Burger is superior because bacon.

Config
  • pork fillet
  • dressing
  • truffles
  • lettuce
  • onions
Review
Resisting the urge to deduct half the points for not even bothering to translate the name.
If you are looking for a decent lunch, this fits the bill. You can’t really go wrong with it, yet it also won’t leave a lasting impression. It’s a middle-of-the-road sandwich. That’s about all I can say here. I’ve ran out of generic “average” descriptors.

Config
  • chicken fillet
  • dressing
  • truffles
  • lettuce
  • onions
  • tomato
Review
Other than this not being a burger, I have no major complaints. I suppose it could always be improved by supplanting chicken with beef and adding bacon, but then isn’t that true of all sandwiches? And besides, sometimes one requires something a bit… lighter. And that is just the use case this sandwich is ideal for.

Config
  • store-bought buns
  • default beef blend
  • homemade truffle aioli
  • barbecue sauce
  • Chester cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • caramelized onions
  • tomato
  • lettuce
Review
This burger was somewhat of a pain in the ass to procure. First, I had to infiltrate a close-knit group of freshmen at the Faculty of Chemistry [etc.] in Ljubljana in order to deviously befriend Filip, the linchpin of my Master Plan. Then I had to strategically bide my time for about ten years and wait for Filip to obtain a grill. Which he did, exactly as I predicted. After that it was only a matter of waiting for an invitation to lunch with some friends over the weekend. Which dutifully arrived exactly according to my calculations.
“But was the wait worth it,” I hear you ask.
Well, to be perfectly honest, for the amount of time (and brainpower) this scheme took to pull off, it would have taken a culinary miracle to get a five star review out of me. That being said, my expectations were still exceeded by a substantial margin. This was no doubt due to my brilliant proposal a few days prior when I suggested some caramelized onions ought to be prepared beforehand. The idea proved to be absolutely crucial to the entire effort and singlehandedly saved the Saturday gathering. Thusly enhanced burgers prepared under my masterful tutelage turned out absolutely delightful.
Oh, and Filip also helped I guess.

FNX
Config
  • Angus beef patty
  • bacon
  • sauce
  • cheese
  • sautéed onions
  • tomato
  • lettuce
Review
Painfully average. It’s not terrible but I would go for something else if given choice.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger buns
  • beef patty
  • mustard-honey sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • caramelized onions
  • shallot
  • iceberg lettuce
  • tomatoes
Review
I’m not gonna beat around the bush here: this was among the top five (maybe even top three) new burgers I’ve tried in 2021. And by the way, that’s having ordered it on Wolt and receiving it almost cold. I may do another review once I find the time to go visit the joint in person.
The burger has no obvious flaws. The meat is seasoned conservatively (in a good way) and was grilled to a perfect medium rare. The cheese was exactly what it should have been. The veggies were fresh. The caramelized onions were maybe just a touch too sweet but honestly, we are now in nitpicking territory.
The only sad thing about it – not about the burger itself but rather what it says about the state of burgerdom – is that the burger’s taste seemed oddly familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. Only later in the day when I caught the name on FB Messenger did it hit me: this burger was basically an improved version of the burger I ate at my friend Filip’s Backyard. Yes, what I’m unironically saying is that Food Corner Tivoli is one of the rare joints capable of putting together a better burger than what you could make at home with just off-the-shelf ingredients. Which is really sad.

Config
  • beef patty
  • miso mayonnaise with black sesame seeds
  • aged Gouda cheese
  • onion marmalade
  • rucola
Extras: French fries
Review
This burger is very flavorful in a different way you’d expect from your average burger. The onion marmalade gives it an almost sweet taste. It’s different and I mostly like it. I say ‘mostly’ because unfortunately, it’s also very unbalanced. The ingredients tend to clash and the onions overpower almost everything when you get to the middle. Still worth it now and again though.

Config
  • beef patty
  • smoked mayonnaise
  • maple ketchup
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • onion marmalade
  • tomato
  • salad mix
Extras: French fries
Review
Whatever, it’s OK, I’d maybe recommend it.
With that out of the way, allow me to hijack the review of this burger and turn it into a rant about some annoying things about Forum in general. First, if they improved the meat, I could easily give all their burgers +1 point which would make this one of the most highly rated joints. But I can’t do that because again, the patties are a not up to snuff. Second, I always appreciate fries with my burgers. Having said that, the burgers are fairly small which makes it seem you’re almost getting more fries than you are burger which might be fine if the fries weren’t so painfully generic and rather flavourless.
In summary: better patty, more burger, less fry make higher grade. But they don’t so I won’t.

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Review
Meh.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • black buns
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • crispy bacon
  • poached quail egg
  • lettuce
Extras: French fries
Review
I was really looking forward to this burger. I’ve been to Gastro House before. Granted, I’ve only ever eaten their non-burgers (as a side note, “non-burgers” is how I refer to all other food products; it’s a professional deformation). But everything I previously ordered was delicious. Besides – poached quail egg?
My expectations were high.
The reality, sadly, saw to it that they were quickly reset. For all I know, that burger was delicious. Sadly, I cannot say for sure. Because all I could taste was bbq sauce.
But this wasn’t just your typical overdose. I’ve experienced those before. Oh no. This was something else An entirely new experience. This burger was so drenched in the stuff that when I opened the box, the bottom bun was entirely fucking soggy. And the sauce came on top of the patty!
As I said, there might have been a good burger under there. Or it might have been a one-off blunder. But I can’t evaluate burgers based on some imagined optimal serving. I can only evaluate what I actually receive. And what I received was suboptimal.

Config
  • beef patty
  • tenderloin roast
  • mustard sauce with seeds
  • Parmesan cheese
  • melted butter
  • rucola
  • tomato
  • grilled zucchini
Extras: French fries
Review
This is a tough one. Glancing at the specs, this burger should be amazing. And it is indeed very good. Yet it doesn’t really rise above, so to speak. My guess would be that the zucchini combined with a fairly thick tomato slice overly dampen the flavour. I don’t really understand why you would put zucchini in a burger in the first place but there you go.

Config
  • beef patty
  • Black Angus steak slices
  • truffle mayo
  • barbecue sauce
  • Brie cheese
  • melted butter
  • onion marmalade
  • rucola
  • tomatoes
Review
Look. This burger’s good, alright? Almost great, even. But that’s as high as my praise goes. there’s way too much happening here. If you reasonably split the types of ingredients in two groups, you could make two good burgers (well, a burger and a steak sandwich). That’s stupid.
To sum up: I don’t not recommend this burger.

Special Edition
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Review
This had some interesting specs – marinated sauerkraut, to name the most eye-catching – but ultimately failed to stand out in the crowd. The patty being grilled well done certainly didn’t help.

Config
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • house sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • caramelized onions
  • tomatoes
Review
The only reason I even considered getting a burger here was because the stand at Burgerfest had a different, unfamiliar name written on it that has since escaped me. And while I’m not a big fan of Pinki, this burger was decent. Boring, but decent.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • bread buns
  • beef patty
  • ketchup
  • mayonnaise
  • cheese
  • onion
  • lettuce
  • tomato
  • cabbage
Extras: French fries
Review
When I ordered this burger the time was around half past eleven at night. There were three places marked as open in the deliver app. I picked one at random and ordered a burger. I’m giving you all this auxiliary because I want you to imagine how low my expectations were for this burger. And how impressed – for the lack of a better word – I was when the restaurant still managed to undercut them.
And before we even get to the review: they translated “bombeta” (Slovenian for bun) into “bombetta” (!). For those not in the know, bombetta is a type of hat Charlie Chaplin wore. Now, I could go for the easy dunk and just say “… which is exactly how this burger tastes AMIRITE FELLAS?”. But I will resist the urge because I want you to truly understand how bad this burger is.
The best I can say about this burger is that the buns were not stale and the veggies seemed relatively fresh. Basically everything else about this was bad. It’s a kind of burger I’d expect from McDonald’s or something. But it’s actually worse than that in some ways because at least at Mickey D’s you’d get a sauce that was specifically engineered to be as uncontroversial possible and serves as a masking agent so that you don’t realise you’re not eating real food. ‘Halo’ offers no such luxury.
I would recommend this burger to anyone who is literally minutes away from starving to death and is devoid of strength to make it to the next closest restaurant.

Special Edition
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Config
  • beef patty
  • tartufata
  • herbal sour cream
  • Brie cheese
  • tomato
  • rucola
Review
Eh… I dunno. It’s not bad per se, but if you like this style of burger, skip this one, go to Hood Burger and order the ‘Le Brie’

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • beef patty
  • barbecue sauce
  • Nacho cheese
  • seared bacon
  • caramelized onions
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
Extras: French fries
Review
Incredibly mediocre. The only saving grace here was the actually excellently flavoured barbecue sauce. Also insanely priced for how good it isn’t.

Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • Hood sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Review
This is it. This bad boy right here is the baseline by which I judge all the other (unwitting) participants. A gold standard of price/performance as well. Go check it out. No, seriously. Go.
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • slow roasted pulled duck
  • mustard with seeds
  • cranberry marmalade
  • black truffle with honey
  • Asiago DOP cheese
  • rucola
Review
This is the 3rd version of The Duke.
Annoyingly, Hood has opted for a stupidly confusing naming scheme for this dish. See my editorial ‘A Royal Mess’ for more information on this topic.
A further improvement upon The Duke 2. They changed the cheese and added rucola. Both extremely welcome changes. This is now hands down my favorite beefless product Hood has ever made.
I’m subtracting some points for the naming confusion, however. I shall hold them hostage until this clusterfuck is resolved.

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • slow roasted pulled duck
  • mustard with seeds
  • cranberry marmalade
  • black truffle with honey
  • Gruyere cheese
  • rucola
Review
This is the 4th version of The Duke.
Annoyingly, Hood has opted for a stupidly confusing naming scheme for this dish. See my editorial ‘A Royal Mess’ for more information on this topic.
Basically the same as the The Duke 2.0 but with different cheese. All compliments/critiques from the previous version apply here.
Human memory of how something tasted is, as we know, unfortunately extremely fickle and unreliable. It would be impossible for me to tell which Duke was better – the 3rd or the 4th. Therefore, I’m making a purely emotional call on this one and will rank the 3rd version higher. Because there was no ongoing global pandemic during 2019 and I could, you know, actually eat it at the table.

Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • grass-fed thin double beef patty
  • california style sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • iceberg lettuce
  • grilled onions
  • tomato
Review
The most flavour-rich burger Hood has to offer. The only gripe I have with it are rather superficial: it seems that Hood’s bun containment technology is not yet sufficiently advanced to properly restrain this burger’s ingredients. Second, they don’t make it medium rare, because the patties are too thin. Which… well, in the immortal words of Clay Davis: “Sheeeeeit!”
UPDATE: The goddess of fortune smiles upon us, comrades! Instead of the two thin ones you can request a regular patty which can be prepared medium rare.

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • slow roasted pulled duck
  • Gruyere cheese
  • mustard with seeds
  • cranberry marmalade
  • black truffle with honey
Review
This is the 2nd version of The Duke.
Annoyingly, Hood has opted for a stupidly confusing naming scheme for this dish. See my editorial ‘A Royal Mess’ for more information on this topic.
An exponential improvement over The Duke, worth every penny (and actually inexpensive to boot, considering dat spec sheet). One of my main objections to the first Duke was the unnecessary duck and beef combo. This year, Hood ditched the beef (making it a sandwich). Which, just so we’re clear, was the correct decision.

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • grass-fed thin double beef patty
  • Big Hood Sauce (mustard-based)
  • Cheddar cheese
  • iceberg lettuce
  • pickles
  • fresh onions
Review
The cashier who took my order described this as “Jake’n’Jay on steroids”. After the first bite I was inclined to agree. By the end of the last one, not so much. That is not at all to say that this burger is bad in any way. In fact I found it to be refreshingly different all the while maintaining that signature Hood taste. My point is simply to say that the sauce, the fresh onions, and the pickles (which – shockingly – I actually found quite enjoyable on this burger) formed a burger that differs from J’n’J substantially and it therefore does not constitute an upgrade in my book. Which is what the phrase “on steroids” implies.

Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • aged beef rump steak slices
  • Cheddar cheese
  • grilled onions
  • jalapeño
Review
Jalapeño? Not really my thing. Not gonna lie. Still, this thing is damn good. And labeled correctly as a sandwich, so extra points for that.

Special Edition
Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • aged beef ribs
  • salsa Chimichurri
  • Queso Fresco cheese
  • orange pickled onions
Review
On their website, the Hood staff refers to this as ‘De La Boca steak sandwich‘. So I’m honestly tempted to give it +½ point just for the proper label. Of course, I can’t do that. It would violate my own rating system and you could never trust me again. But the sentiment stands.
Thankfully, I don’t need to artificially inflate the score. It’s easily their best sandwich so far. Well… it’s also their second sandwich so far, so that’s not really a high bar… OK, fuck it, forget all that. Bottom line: good. Get it if you can.

Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • champinones mayo
  • French Brie cheese
  • tomato
  • rucola
Review
This was the first burger I ever tried. Shocking, I know. I started late in life. But this is not about me.
For a long time this used to be my favorite burger. Now that I’m a seasoned (no pun intended) veteran who has seen the world, I lost the taste for this burger as of late. Everyone should try it though. You never know.

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • barbecue sauce
  • pancetta
  • coleslaw
  • tomato
Review
Bacon. Coleslaw. Barbecue sauce. Cheddar. What’s not to like?
I have noticed the taste was pretty substantially different almost every time I ordered it (three times as of this writing), hence the lowered score. Will update if consistency is achieved.

Discontinued
Review
Look at this one. It thinks it’s clever. A real wise guy. Well listen up, buster! Just because you ground up that chicken doesn’t make you a real burger!
Quarrels aside, this was a delightful sandwich. It’s a shame it didn’t sell.

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • Raclette cheese
  • grilled marinated champignons
  • grilled onions
Review
Formerly known as Rocky Balboa.
I was quite skeptical about these specs. Champignons? How the hell are champignons supposed to pair with beef patty? Surprisingly well, it turns out.

Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • aged beef rump steak slices
  • Provolone cheese
  • grilled onions
Review
All right, listen up. I’ll let it slide this time. But even this is still not a burger. Two words: beef patty. You only got the second half right.
And before all you apologists out there start with all the “but it’s called a ‘stake’, not a ‘burger’,” nonsense: it’s listed under burgers on the menu. Didn’t think I’d notice, did you?
Labels aside, while this thing is worth a shot, both variants of ‘Roastbeef Steak’ from Lars & Sven are better versions of this general concept.

Special Edition
Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • peanutbutter, mayo, and honey sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • pancetta
  • crisply pickles
Review
When I read the words “peanut butter” and “pickles” in the same spec sheet, I was all but convinced that someone in Hood’s R&D labs has gone insane. While that may indeed be the case (I’m still investigating), this burger was – all things considered – a relatively pleasant surprise. Not as pleasant as some other Hood Specials, though. As far as limited special offerings go.

Special Edition
Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • aged beef patty
  • chutney sauce (with mustard seeds, apple, and cranberry)
  • goat cheese
  • rucola
Review
Interesting fella. Reminds me of Hood’s own ‘Le Brie’. Except with very different sauce. And cheese.

Actually, it’s not really like Le Brie. But for some reason I keep coming back to that, so I thought I’d mention it. Not sure why, though, it’s not very helpful…
Fuck it, you figure it out!

Special Edition
Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • beef patty
  • vinaigrette sauce
  • Gorgonzola Dolce DOP cheese
  • Merlot jam
  • crispy pancetta
  • sautéed onions
  • radicchio
Review
This burger has a very particular taste. It is not going to be for everyone, maybe not even for most people. That said, personally I find it pretty good. I have some minor critiques – I found the jam a touch too sweet, for example – but the burger holds up. I recommend trying it if you get tired of the typical burger taste and wanna spice things up.

Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • fried chicken thighs
  • homemade ranch sauce
  • chopped celery
  • pickles
Review
Since I couldn’t fit the whole thing on the spec sheet for aesthetic reasons let me mention it here: the chicken thighs are marinated in buttermilk with secret spice mix, coated with rice flour and marinated in peanut oil. There you go.
This sandwich is actually potentially very good. But the long time readers will know that I am no fan of pickles. And the main problem with this sandwich is that they basically fill the whole bottom layer with them. More pickles I’ve actually ever received in any sandwich or burger. I’m sorry but that is just too much for me. If you like pickles, have at it. If you don’t but would still like fried chicken, just order this without the pickles. A config like that is like 4/5.

Special Edition
Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • beef patty
  • dill, mustard, and mayo sauce
  • Camembert cheese
  • hash brown
  • smoked ham
Review
Despite its interesting specs this one ultimately did not work for me. The hash browned potato patty was a cool addition. The cheese was great. The smoked ham was merely OK; the level of crispiness was simply lacking. What ultimately brought it all down for me was the sauce (based on some prior experiences it’s possible I simply don’t like dill – inconclusive as of this review) and the fact that the burger was far too salty.

Special Edition
Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • pulled duck
  • Asiago cheese
  • red celery
Review
This is the 1st version of The Duke.
Annoyingly, Hood has opted for a stupidly confusing naming scheme for this dish. See my editorial ‘A Royal Mess’ for more information on this topic.
The duck was pretty good, I can’t deny that. I’m just disappointed they didn’t fully commit and simply ditch the beef. I would have preferred a pulled duck sandwich over a duck & beef burger.

Special Edition
Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • weisswurst
  • german mustard with apples
  • creamy Emmental cheese
  • sauer kraut with butter and mustard seeds
Review
I heard from a little birdie that Hood’s method of preparing the weisswurst in this burger – first cooked, then grilled – is apparently “blasphemous” as it isn’t supposed to be grilled but only cooked. I’m not versed in weisswurst preparation, but I do know a thing or two about blasphemy and take it very seriously. Therefore, I felt obligated to report this apparent offence.
Serious matters aside, I think this burger only worked because of the quality of its ingredients. It’s not a very cohesive dish – some elements don’t mix well. Needs to go back to the drawing board.

Special Edition
Config
  • grilled buttered toast
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • Creme de Fromage cheese
  • grilled onions
  • tomato
Review
This is not a burger. The sad thing is, this would probably be better as a burger. Buns > toast.

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • mayo with lime juice and hot sauce
  • Mozzarella cheese
  • pancetta
  • caramelized jalapeños
  • grilled pineapple
Review
As soon as I read the words “pineapple” and “jalapeno”, two things were immediately clear to me: first, that the purchase decision was out of my hands, and second, that I was going to regret it. Indeed, both came to pass. I’m sure there’s people out there who would love this bastard. I, however, am not among them.

Special Edition
Config
  • homemade bread buns
  • pulled pork (marinated in orange, lime, garlic, origano, cumin, pepper, paprika)
  • boiled ham
  • pickles
  • mustard
  • Cheddar cheese
  • sauce (with lemon, orange, mint)
Review
That’s gonna be a thumbs down for me dawg. It’s probable this is entirely because of my bias – the tastes I’m used to – however the the orange-colored flavor really didn’t agree with me. If that sounds ok to you though, ignore this.

Config
  • beef patty
  • sauce
  • cheese
  • bacon
  • lettuce
Extras: French fries
Review
This was an upsettingly good burger considering it’s sold at a pub. The bartender fogot to put in bacon (or at least I think so – it’s listed on the menu; maybe they changed the config?) which was a bit disappointing, no lie, but ultimately this burger with an amazing barbecue sauce-based sauce managed to pull off an upset. This mofo is better than many of the burgers from actual burger joints. That’s crazy.

Config
  • beef patty
  • crunchy bacon
  • sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • lettuce
  • pickles
Review
Not great. Not bad either. But mainly nothing to write home about.
Also, the ingredients state this burger contains – direct quote – “crunchy bacon”. Now, it could have been because I ate this at Burgerfest and they were rushing the burgers, but lemme tell you: “crunchy” is a filthy lie!

Config
  • beef patty
  • mustard & barbecue sauce
  • Gorgonzola cheese
  • truffles
  • bacon
  • rucola
Review
This is, unequivocally, the worst name for a food product I have ever seen. To put this in perspective: there is a meat product in Japan (obviously) called Homo Sausage. I’m not kidding, follow the link. But do you know what even the name ‘Homo Sausage’ doesn’t contain? Words that don’t exist in the English language. You know, like ‘Tartuf’.
ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • buns
  • beef patty
  • ketchup
  • mustard
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • sautéed onions
  • iceberg lettuce
  • “Lušt” tomatoes
Extras: French fries
Review
Good. But not great.
Read more in my award-winning editorial under Joints > Kavarna Rog.

Config
  • beef patty
  • barbecue Bulleit Bourbon sauce
  • Nacho cheese
  • caramelized onnions
  • bacon
  • fried egg
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
Review
Out of the five burgers I’ve eaten at Tiskarna (and I won’t try the rest to be perfectly honest), I’d consider this one the best. The nacho is good. The egg is always welcome. The portions are big in general. But ultimately, their meat is just not where it needs to be and the burger is nowhere near top tier.

Config
  • beef patty
  • Curry smoke sauce
  • cheese
  • caramelized onions
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
Review
I never thought I would utter these blasphemous words: it is possible to have too much cheese in a burger.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING ME SAY, TISKARNA?!

Config
  • beef patty
  • picadilly sauce
  • cheese
  • onions
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
  • pickles
Review
This is not a difficult review. Don’t like the sauce. Not sure what kind of cheese is on this but I know it’s the wrong kind. And as icing on the cake, there’s a pickle. Easy don’t buy.

Config
  • beef patty
  • mayo with fresh basil
  • goat cheese
  • rucola
  • tomato marmalade
  • chili
Review
You know what, fuck it, this is (arguably) a review site, lemme break it down (even though I don’t really want to). The meat is good, not great. The goat cheese is almost tasteless. And I know there’s a lot of it there, I fucking saw it! There was almost more rucola here than the meat. Unacceptable. And then, to top it all off, the tomato & chilly jam ruins what may otherwise be a passable burger.
What is this? Are you playing some sick, twisted game with me? DAMMIT, I WANT ANSWERS!

Config
  • beef patty
  • aioli
  • Gorgonzola cheese
  • caramelized onions
  • radicchio
  • sautéed champignons
Review
Gather around, children. It is time for a life lesson. Do you remember how your mother and I told you not to trust strangers promising you candy if you enter their van? Well, forget that. This is far more important.
If you ever encounter a burger whose spec sheet includes ingredients so unintuitive you may think it has to either be a work of an enlightened genius or a mad man, avoid the temptation to find out which is true. The risk/reward ratio is far too skewed.

Config
  • beef patty
  • house sauce
  • grated Mozzarella cheese
  • fried egg
  • crispy bacon
  • red cabbage
Extras: French fries
Review
I ordered this medium rare. What I received was quite possibly the most well done burger I’ve ever seen. It was almost charred. That’s a pretty big offense in my book, however one I was willing to forgive (or at least chalk it up to a bad cook) if the rest of the burger was OK.
It wasn’t. Can I elaborate? No. I was so disappointed I forgot to take notes.
One last parting thought, though. The way their menu is organized is similar to d’Burger (minus the actual quality): they have quite a few burgers on the menu, however each successive one is just the previous one plus an extra ingredient. The one I ordered was at the end of the line – a flagship, basically. And given that that one sucked I have no faith whatsoever that the rest of them are any good. Hard skip, my dudes.

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Config
  • dry aged Irish Angus beef patty
  • homemade mayo with wasabi
  • red caramelized onions
  • lettuce
Review
The tender, juicy patty, some of the best caramelized onions on the market, the mustard-based sauce… Fuuuuuuck. This burger is so magnificent, I’m not even going to complain about how you may need to sell some of your family members into slavery in order to afford it.

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Config
  • smoked pulled pork
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • lettuce
  • pickles
Review
A lesser version of the ‘Dry Aged Holy Cow Burger’ in every important aspect. And the price difference is so small that you might as well splurge that extra cash to get the superior model. You’ll probably need to take out a loan well outside what you can afford, but you know what? Totally worth it.

Discontinued
Config
  • American Angus beef patty
  • homemade mayo with wasabi
  • onions
  • lettuce
Review
A lesser version of the ‘Dry Aged Holy Cow Burger’ in every important aspect. And the price difference is so small that you might as well splurge that extra cash to get the superior model. You’ll probably need to take out a loan well outside what you can afford, but you know what? Totally worth it.

Config
  • horse meat patty
  • horse bacon
  • homemade sauce
  • onions
  • lettuce
Review
Average to slightly above average, I would say. The meat isn’t beef so it’s far more forgiving when grilled well done (which is how they made it when I ordered it). Everything else is pretty standard (except the price – it’s a bit high). I know this isn’t a satisfying review but I have nothing else to say, really.

Config
  • Aussie free range Black Angus beef steak
  • Italian Provolone cheese
  • caramelized onions in balsamic vinegar
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
With the discontinuation of Roastbeef Steak I think it’s fair to say this is the best sandwich L&S currently sell. Frankly, I’d argue it’s the best item on their menu. It’s also the most expensive and, to be honest, not too dissimilar to Philly Cheese. Do with that information what you will.

Config
  • beef slices
  • Provolone cheese
  • caramelized onions
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
As far as I can see, this is L&S’ replacement of their seemingly discontinued Roastbeef Steak sandwich. This is the correct move IMHO as there is now much clearer differentiation between this and their (still on the menu) Black Angus Roastbeef Steak.
The introduction of this also solidifies them as the best steak sandwich place in Ljubljana. The superior caramelized onions and properly melted Provolone push it over the edge.
This thing would be five stars if not for L&S’s refusal to grill the meat rare. And I say ‘refusal’ because in Hood you can get it rare so I know it’s possible, dammit!

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade fig sauce
  • aged English Cheddar cheese
  • crispy Istrian pancetta
  • charcoal bun
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
Right off the bat: bacon, +½ point. Further, it is a very well balanced burger with just the right amount of flavour. Now, judging by the score, you may be sensing some upcoming caveats. You are correct, dear reader, there are two:
1. there is something… unsettling… about the this burger’s black buns
2. I swear I’m not racist.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • spinach bread buns
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • Chimichurri sauce
  • white Cheddar cheese
  • baby spinach
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
This is probably my second favorite L&S burger (right after Blackadder). The meat was solid, the sauce was good, the buns were… well, I couldn’t really tell the difference, and the spinach was refreshing. Recommended.

Config
  • beef patty
  • house sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
This is the purest distillation of that special Lars & Sven essence (if you forgive the pretentious language). It’s one of the simplest burgers – well, sliders – out there, but it’s surprisingly good and pretty much foreshadows the rest of the lineup.
But therein lies the rub. It’s still fundamentally a Lars & Sven burger. Which means it comes with their sauce. And much to the dismay of many of my readers, I’m still not a fan.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • caramelized onions in balsamic vinegar
  • tomato
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
This could fairly be, I think, labelled the L&S’ flagship. It has it all. Bacon (+ point). Caramelized onions. The name that implies someone named Sven was killed and ground up so this burger could be made. And it’s very good (the burger, not murder). But it isn’t going to make any halls of fame of mine.
That’s right. I said it. I don’t care, I’ll go to the mat over this. Bring it, bitch!

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Config
  • free range beef steak
  • Italian Provolone cheese
  • caramelized onions in balsamic vinegar
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
You know what, Lars & Sven? You gentlemen deserve some props. You are the first joint on this list who neither mislabeled their sandwiches nor tried to be sneaky about it and avoid the label altogether, yet list it under “burgers” in their menu.

Config
  • ground breaded chicken fillet
  • herbal Ranch sauce
  • lettuce
  • tomato
  • pickles
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
Pickle. My old nemesis. We meet again.

Config
  • beef slices
  • Cheddar cheese
  • jalapeno
  • caramelized onions
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
Those aware of my dislike for jalapenos can dismiss the score here. However, I will still note that there’s something about the seasoning on their meat coupled with their take on caramelized onions that doesn’t quite work form me. If you like your sammiches spicy and are otherwise OK with the rest of the ingredients, I would steer you towards Hood’s Chilli Cheese Steak Sandwich.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
Not a fan.
Since I don’t know where else to write this, let me make a broader commentary here. It was this burger that made me realise what bothers me about L&S: their sauce. I don’t care for it. I didn’t notice it in ‘Sven Burger’ because the bacon in Sven probably clouded my judgement. Lars, however, has no such fancy ingredients.
*Cue the furious screeching of diehard L&S fans.* (I know they’re out there, I’ve heard from some).

Config
  • lightly smoked & minced pork tenderloin
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • Gauda cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
The main criticism of this… burger (he said begrudgingly) can, ironically, be boiled down to this: no beef. Now, there is bacon, but I will have to break with the precedent here and veto (myself, I guess?) the obligatory point. Shocking, I know. The reason is simple: the taste of bacon is mostly lost in ground pork this burger’s patty is made of, losing the impact it would otherwise have had. And I don’t know, this whole burger just tastes so… bland. Which shouldn’t be the case but it somehow is.

Config
  • free range chicken breasts
  • homemade greek yogurt sauce
  • Mozzarella cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Extras: French fries (during select hours)
Review
I can see what this is trying to be. But it’s just too… simplistic. Too easily replicable. Most burgers on this list tend to have some sort of proprietary sauce which you can’t easily copy. This thing, however, only has some fairly generic yogurt-esque sauce. I can pick something with almost exactly the same taste off the shelf in any grocery store.

Config
  • seasoned beef patty
  • cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • tomato
  • lettuce
Extras: French fries
Review
My friends, I am very annoyed right now.
For the 99% of you who didn’t read the Philosophy section on this page: I make it a point not to consider price in my score. I consider food to be a pretty personal thing so I let you, the reader, decide if something was worth the money. I’m really only concerned about taste.
However.
In this case I am going to make an exception. The reason being this is the second (or third, I don’t remember) most expensive burger I have ever payed for. And the reason I am so annoyed is that this is one of the most middle-of-the-road burgers I have ever eaten. That is not to say it’s bad, just not worth the literal GDP of China.
Do not buy.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger butter buns
  • beef patty
  • barbecue sauce
  • cheese
  • bacon
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
Extras: French fries
Review
This is an OK fast food burger. It doesn’t have any pretentious ingredients no bells and whistles. It tastes exactly how you think it will taste when you look at its picture.
It’s a burger that’s not pretending it’s something is not
… is what I’d like to say, however it is ridiculously expensive for what it is. Seriously guys, what the fuck.
And to be frank, I don’t understand how this establishment manages to survive. If you wanted to eat a slightly worse burger (probably) but for as much as 50% cheaper, there’s a McDonald’s on literally the same street. And if you actually have good taste there are Hood Burger, Lars & Sven, and Pop’s Place all less than five minutes away with burgers that range from cheaper to no more than 15% more expensive. And of course any burger or sandwich from those establishments can easily surpass this one.
The only reason you should go there is if someone sends you a message threatening your life unless you visit the joint. And even then I would probably consult some experts first to determine whether or not the threat is credible.

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Config
  • pulled pork
  • mustard sauce
  • coleslaw
  • pickled onions
Review
As my friend and I eagerly listened to the chef gushing over the carefully chosen ingredients that went into this beauty, it became clear this burger sandwich was made with love. Leaving clichés aside, the only thing that bothered me was the level of spiciness, but that’s a personal preference. Most normies would find it relatively benign, I suspect.

Special Edition
Discontinued
Config
  • beef patty
  • house sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • caramelized onions
  • pickles
Review
Tediously average.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • smoked cheese
  • bacon
  • onion marmelade
  • fresh tomato
Review
At Burgerfest where I tried this burger it was easily in my top 3 among the selection. Nothing I could complain about here.

Config
  • beef patty
  • mangoop sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • tomato
  • onions
  • pickles
Review
Solid.
… is the word that comes to mind as one nibbles on this. It doesn’t offend in any way, the ingredients work well and it’s properly prepared. It also doesn’t stand out in any way. Snobs need look elsewhere. For everyone else, this is acceptable.

Config
  • beef patty
  • tomato sauce with basil and olive oil
  • Mozzarela cheese
  • pancetta
  • rucola
  • fresh tomato
Review
This burger has the potential to be amazing. However, the addition of tomato sauce AND fresh tomato is over the top. Pick one or the other depending of what kind of burger you want. Putting both in creates a taste imbalance.

Special Edition
Config
  • brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • mayonnaise sauce
  • hot sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • carrots
  • radish
  • baby spinach
Review
I saw this burger by chance during an event revolving around food on Ljubljana’s marketplace. As I am sworn to do I ordered it reflexively but seeing the ingredients (they didn’t have them listed, I had to sneak a peek behind the counter), my expectations were relatively low. Perhaps those circumstances contributed to one of the most pleasant surprises I ever received.
I’ll start by saying this burger is not for everyone (anyone without good taste, specifically). The reason lies in the patty. The patty came rarer than a steak tartare. It was one of the softest I ever encountered. It made me appreciate the choice of veggies – the relative neutrality of carrots and spinach and the conservative use of radish amplified the taste of the meat. Furthermore, as someone who is does not much care for anything spicy, I actually didn’t mind the hot sauce – it was noticeable just enough to give the burger a bit of a pleasant kick but was otherwise pretty mild. All in all, I have nothing but praise for this masterpiece.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • bread buns
  • beef patty
  • barbecue sauce
  • maryrose sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • bacon
  • onion jam
  • tomato
  • lettuce
Extras: Roasted potatoes
Review
Right of the bat, I have some stylistic critiques.
This burger’s official full name is “Beef burger, roasted potatos and BBQ sauce”. There are so many things wrong with this it’s hard to pick where to begin. First, you’re missing an Oxford comma. To be completely transparent, I barely know how to place commas properly in English sentences. That last one was probably incorrect. But I know about Oxford comma, dammit! And I will take every opportunity possible to smugly point out when one is missing. Second, “potatos” is misspelled. Third, for the love of god, just come up with a real fucking name and slap it on that burger, will you? No normal person likes ordering a dish with a paragraph-long name.
Next, this burger came with a pink bun. I don’t necessarily mind – looked kind of cool – but on Wolt they have a bread-colored bun. That’s just false advertising.
Nitpicky complaints finally aside – I actually kind of liked this burger. The onion marmalade was delicious, the bbq sauce was good and there wasn’t too much of it. The overall balance was solid. And it was ‘uge.
But there were some weird… quirks. The bottom bun was weirdly tough to chew through and the beef patty was straight up dense (for the lack of a better word). That’s far from desireable.
At the end of the day I’m not sure if I’d recommend it. The aforementioned issues make it hard for me to do so.
Unless you’re (for some inexplicable reason) someone who frequents burger joints to order fries specifically. Their roasted potatoes were quite possibly the most delicious I’ve ever gotten with any burger.

Config
  • beef patty
  • piccadilly sauce
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
  • pickles
Extras: French fries
Review
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I like it when people make my reviews easy. What do I mean by this? Well, it’s very easy not to recommend this burger. The portions are small. The patty is ridiculously thin and the meat is substandard. The other ingredients aren’t much better either. THERE’S NO. FUCKING. CHEESE. See? Easy.

Config
  • beef patty
  • sauce with mayo and mustard seeds
  • barbecue sauce
  • Brie cheese
  • sour red onion
  • crispy pancetta
  • lettuce
Extras: French fries
Review
I was pitched this burger by a friend who found it kind of average. Strong pitch, I know. Nevertheless, rating burgers seems to be my purpose in life so here we are.
In spite of what I just said, this burger positively surprised me. It has somewhat unorthodox ingredients to be sure, but it works. The meat is very good and the onions are a standout condiment. It’s so close to being one of the big boys. Alas, it does fall just a bit short
… which might have been what my friend was trying to communicate now that I think about it. Look, I’m not gonna lie, it was a while ago. And I’m not calling to ask. It’s three o’clock in the morning, for god’s sake.

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • truffle aioli
  • Stilton cheese
  • caramelized onion marmalade
Review
Some may argue it would be preposterous to claim this is humanity’s greatest achievement. I disagree.

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • truffle aioli
  • Cheddar cheese
  • caramelized onion marmalade
Review
Basically The Boss but with Cheddar instead of Stilton and in two small burgers instead of a single bigger one. So, you know, perfect. Which means it just comes down to which cheese you prefer. You can guess my preference from the scores of both burgers.

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • marinated Panko fried chicken
  • ranch dressing
  • lettuce
  • pickles
Review
No reason to beat around the bush: this is hands down the best fried chicken sandwich out there. And it’s even correctly labelled!
So why half a point shy from a perfect score? Two reasons. First, there are pickle slices in this otherwise perfect creation. Second – and more unforgivable – the pickles are not listed in the spec sheet. That’s outrageous. If this sandwich wasn’t as good as it is I’d deduct half a point. But I simply can’t bring myself to do it.

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • thousand islands sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • smoked pancetta
Review
Bacon AND cheese? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • thousand islands sauce
  • Stilton cheese
  • apple slice
Review
The mention of apple slices on the spec sheet caught my inner skeptic’s eye, but he was ultimately overruled. The decision was proven correct. If you don’t want to order Pop’s famous ‘The Boss’ because you dislike caramelized onions… well, you should reevaluate your life, actually. But in the meantime, try this burger.

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • thousand islands sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
  • pickles
Review
I’m not a big fan of pickles but it doesn’t really matter here. The reason being – it’s still Pop’s. This may be a hot take, but I’m willing to bet that if you built a burger with nothing but Pop’s patty and buns and no condiments whatsoever it would still probably be an above average burger on this list.
In fact, the only thing that can ruin a Pop’s burger, I find, is indeed the choice of condiments. As you can see from the reviews below.

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • aged double beef patty
  • pickle-based sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
Review
This burger’s missing an ingredient. I’m not sure what exactly but I do know it’s not there and I miss it. But, you know, it’s Pop’s, so it’s still excellent.

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • smoked bacon
  • crispy onions
Review
I was unpleasantly surprised munching on this. The onion ring inside the burger over-promised and under-delivered. It’s not even a terrible burger – the barbecue sauce and bacon make sure of that – just below the Pop’s (relatively high) average.
Hot take: they should just discontinue it. It’s bringing down their average rating on this site. Which is a big deal. Huge.

Discontinued
Config
  • Brioche buns
  • double beef patty
  • double cheese
  • grilled onions
  • pickles
Review
First of all, pickles were not actually listed on the menu. Not cool. Second, this burger can only be made medium well to well done because of thin patties. Very hard to pull off with their particular blend of meat, even less cool. Can’t recommend. Especially considering the rest of Pop’s lineup.

Special Edition
Config
  • buns
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Extras: French fries
Review
In order to gain access to this meal, certain conditions have to be satisfied. First (and most importantly), you need to gain employment at the Slovenian postal service’s main logistics centre in Ljubljana. Second, you need to wait until it shows up on the employee cafeteria’s menu. Third, you need to go to lunch early, because there is a limited supply most of the time.
But is it worth it, I hear you ask. Let me put it this way: the best part of that burger is the slice of lettuce. As to whether that is worth (potentially) weeks of effort, I will let you decide.

Special Edition
Config
  • pulled pork
  • coleslaw
  • iceberg lettuce
Extras: French fries
Review
This is pretty close to perfect, in all honesty. The pork is top notch, the coleslaw is nearly perfect, the buns are exactly what they should be. But it lacks a bit of… oomph.
Yeah, that’s right. I said “oomph”. Would I care to be more specific? No. That would require further in-depth analysis that I’m not being compensated for. In fact, I’m not being compensated for any of this! Which means that by reading this, you’re basically a freeloader. Get off your ass and find a job!

Special Edition
Config
  • beef patty
  • dressing
  • cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Extras: French fries
Review
Honestly, from a restaurant with such a good reputation, I was expecting more. By no means was this burger bad, don’t misunderstand – it was pretty good (and quite big). But while the meat was solid (yet not of the highest quality), everything else was wholly unremarkable, especially the painfully average dressing I usually encounter in burgers in bars, not at all befitting a restaurant of this caliber.
In summation: good, but I expected better.

Config
  • beef patty
  • mustard sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • caramelized onions
  • fresh spinach
Extras: French fries
Review
Knocked it out of the fucking park. It’s honesly hard to decide which one between this and Lord from Projekt is better. For me, Popeye pulls ahead by (very) narrow margin but it is ultimately a metter of preference – which spec sheet appeals to you more.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • red onions
  • tomato
Extras: French fries
Review
This burger was… ‘marketed’ to me very aggressively by my former co-workers. I knew their tastes enough to trust it must indeed be solid. Still, I had some minor reservations. Which were entirely and rapidly extinguished after the first bite. This burger is a masterpiece.

Config
  • beef patty
  • house sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • iceberg lettuce
  • tomato
  • white onions
Extras: French fries
Review
Basically a ‘classic’ burger variant, looking at the specs. Pretty much as good as it can possibly get with that config.

Config
  • beef patty
  • chilly mayo jalapeno salsa
  • Cheddar cheese
  • sour onions
Extras: French fries
Review
Before anyone who actually tried this gets on my ass because of the rating, allow me to once again direct you to the fine print. This rating reflects my personal palette. Which happens to be rather extremely spiciness-averse. Taking that into consideration and looking at the second ingredient listed, I hope things make sense in light of this explanation.
But OK, let’s try to be more neutral. I understand what this is trying to be. And judging by the praises being sung to this burger from those amenable to more aggressive tastes, I imagine it succeeds at its task.
But again, not for me.

Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • beef patty
  • bacon
  • homemade sauce
  • double Cheddar cheese
  • fried onions
  • lettuce
Review
If you are considering Punkt’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
One of the best out there. Great blend, sautéed onions, ample cheese, superior sauce, and. Crispy. Fucking. Bacon. And relatively cheap for what you get!
So why – ½ points? Because the establishment responsible for making this burger is located too far away from my house. Is that fair? No. But tough shit. My website. Stay mad.

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • beef patty
  • creme fraiche
  • Gruyère cheese
  • caramelized onions with Cognac
  • iceberg lettuce
  • tomato
Review
If you are considering Punkt’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
A sensible recipe and good ingredients. Also the buns look cool.

Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • beef patty
  • asparagus sauce
  • truffle sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • bacon
  • egg
Review
If you are considering Punkt’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
The seeming inability of most joints at Burgerfest to cook their meat medium rare was cleverly masked with a pretty much perfectly prepared egg in this burger. I would imagine even more stars might be warranted had the patty been prepared correctly. Even so, this burger is worth a try regardless.

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • fried onions
  • Krškopoljski bacon
  • leavened pickles
  • rucola
  • OOOOOOOOOO
Review
If you are considering Punkt’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
As far as I can tell, this is essentially Chicago without the pickles and a few other cosmetic changes (making it the superior burger). Skip this one.

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • beef patty
  • sauce with olives
  • goat cheese
  • crispy prosciutto
  • onions in Teran
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Review
If you are considering Punkt’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
After trying their Chicago Burger, I had really hoped all Punkt’s burgers would be amazing. Having eaten this burger, I am sorry to say that is not the case.
Make no mistake though. This is a solid entry. And I suspect – having only eaten this at Burgerfest – it’s much better at their joint. Looking over the ingredients again, they seem too… ambitious to be sold from a stand. So depending on where you’re ordering this from, you may wanna skip it.

Config
  • burger buns
  • Italian beef Piemontese
  • mustard sauce with honey
  • smoked cheese Scarmorza
  • fried egg
  • Grapolo tomatoes
  • Iceberg lettuce
+ French fries & smoked homemade barbecue sauce
Review
I’ve encountered this type of burger before. Many times. Go to the Editorial page and find the Good But Not Great article there. Everything I wrote there applies to this.
But for those who don’t want to read that wall of text or want a review that applies to this more specifically: this burger is basically what’s become a new average in what I will smugly dub The Entry-level Gourmet Burger market. It’s basically a great burger that almost nobody should be disappointed by but it’s also very unremarkable (for me, at least). Basically, you can get this exact taste flavor palette (with very slight variations) from like three or four other establishments. I’ll make a list someday™.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger buns
  • pulled beef
  • mayonnaise sauce
  • barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • cream cheese
  • fried onion rings
  • rucola
  • pickles
Extras: French fries
Review
This is one of those sandwiches whose, shall we say, marketing materials (by which I mean their image on the Internet) convinced me to try it. And just like in most of those cases, reality failed to live to the expectation in spectacular ways.
Before I lean into my criticism, let me say that this burger did not necessarily taste too bad. But this is as high a praise as I can give. Starting off, the burger looked three times thinner than the images. This was somewhat expected as I ordered it on Wolt but I still expected more. The onion rings in it were very sad. There was no crispiness in them whatsoever. And before anyone cries foul – I ordered Pop’s Silverton in the past and received crispy onions. So I know it can be done. But by far the most disappointing aspect – and the main reason for the score – was the ridiculous meat quantity. I’m only slightly exaggerating when I say the layer of Cheddar was about as thick as the actual beef patty. That is simply not acceptable. Especially not at their prices. Never again.
If you would like a roughly similarly configured but far superior build, try Texas barbecue Ljubljana’s Vič king.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger buns
  • smoked pork belly
  • mayonnaise sauce
  • mustard with honey
  • Brie cheese
  • marinated cabbage
  • caramelized onions
Extras: French fries
Review
My criticism of this burger is a bit more personal in nature than with the others. I can’t quite pinpoint precisely what offended my taste buds but I think it was the mustard sauce. I normally like those on burgers but this one was simply no bueno. Couldn’t even finish it. I’m not going to shit on it too hard for this reason but if your tastes are similar to mine, you should probably avoid it too. If for no other reason then how insanely overpriced it is.
Incidentally, for a better version of a similar concept, try Trappa’s Porchetta.

Config
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • onions marinated in beer
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Extras: French fries
Review
A worthy flagship of this fine establishment. Featuring bacon (obviously). The buns have a somewhat specific taste that may or may not be to one’s liking.

Config
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Extras: French fries
Review
This is the same as their ‘Black Angus Bacon Burger’ minus the bacon and marinated onions. Which… what exactly do you mean by “Premium” then? How is the burger with exactly the same specs plus bacon and caramelized onions not the premium one? That makes no sense.
Anyway, it’s good on its own, but ultimately not worth it. Spring for the bacon and onions (you know, the premium components)

Config
  • fried chicken slices
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Extras: French fries
Review
The particular nature of the buns on this bur-… I mean sandwich (almost got me there) coupled with barbecue sauce results in a taste that somehow doesn’t sit well with me. The chicken is fried at least, so that alleviates my grievance somewhat. Some may like it, but it’s not for me.

Discontinued
Config
  • beef patty
  • house sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • caramelized black onions
  • quail egg
  • chicory
Review
I would crawl over broken glass to lick the juices off the plate this burger was served on.

Discontinued
Config
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • barbecue sauce
  • cheese
  • Foie gras
  • quail egg
  • caramelized black onions
  • young salad
Review
As you can probably tell from the config, this is not a burger. This is a fucking experience.
That being said, I’m kind of torn on it. It’s undeniably a great dish made with very high-quality ingredients (as the price only a dictator of an oil-rich nation wouldn’t think twice about clearly suggests), but it’s not exactly what I would expect out of a burger. I know that’s not really a fair criticism – and I’ve pushed that aside when evaluating – but it may be something to keep in mind.

Special Edition
Config
  • beef patty
  • roast beef
  • homemade sauce
  • tomato marmalade
  • lettuce
  • egg
Review
Roast beef stake slices coupled with a fried egg on top of already pretty good patty left a very favourable impression. That aside, I have to ask: what’s the point of asking how I want my meat and even jotting my “medium rare” reply down on paper if I am then presented with a well done patty?

Special Edition
Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade smoked sauce
  • double cheese
  • lettuce
  • pickles
Review
One sad little burger, this one. The mayo-esque sauce and cheese were not very good (yet probably the best part of this burger). The patty was so thin I’m almost tempted to call this whole thing a sandwich because it barely qualifies as a burger. And to top it all off, the pickle – which tasted like the ones found in pre-made sandwiches one buys at a gas station – overpowered everything in terms of taste. SKIP.

Config
  • beef patty
  • cream sauce
  • horseradish mayo
  • Gorgonzola cheese
  • smoked bacon
  • onion marmalade
Review
If you are considering Stari Pisker’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
If you told me I would have to take a human life for every bite out of this burger, I would conduct human sacrifices on a scale that would put the ancient Aztecs to shame.

Config
  • beef patty
  • steak slices
  • barbecue sauce
  • mustard spread
  • onions
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Review
If you are considering Stari Pisker’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
Ho. Lee. Sheet. Before you die, you need – no, must try this burger. This needs to be in your mouth and its juices all over your face.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • Brie cheese
  • black pepper Cheddar cheese
  • truffle paste
  • rucola
  • tomato
Review
If you are considering Stari Pisker’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
Like the cheese mix. Was expecting a bit more of it though.

Config
  • beef patty
  • ketchup
  • macaroni & cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
  • onions
  • pickles
Review
If you are considering Stari Pisker’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
There is a somewhat ironic issue plaguing this burger: the addition of macaroni and cheese. Take those away and you got yourself a fine burger. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that the mac & cheese are bad – quite the opposite. Rather, they don’t belong here.

Config
  • beef patty
  • avocado spread
  • Parmesan Frico cheese
  • roasted onions
  • mushrooms
  • tomato
  • rucola
Review
If you are considering Stari Pisker’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at their restaurant, this unfortunately no longer applies to Burgerfests. They have seemingly decided on a brilliant strategic move of prioritizing profits at the expense of their reputation and now produce only well done and super dry meat.
This one’s config is interesting to read, but quite frankly, not to my taste. I’m a simple man. I prefer burgers with few ingredients that complement each other. This one’s too … diverse. I know, I know, that doesn’t seem like a fair criticism, but I don’t care. My site, my rules. Deal with it.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger buns
  • beef patty
  • Cheddar cheese
  • red onion
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
  • pickles
Extras: French fries
Review
This is actually going to be a very simple review.
This burger costs 8€. It tastes and looks as if it costs 1,5€.
End of review.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger buns
  • fried chicken fillet
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
Extras: French fries
Review
If you travelled back in time, found the ten-year-old me, gave him money and forced him to go to the grocery store to buy and prepare you this same dish, first of all, you would be arrested. Second, given access to the same types of ingredients, my past self would have been able to prepare you a better meal than this.
This… war crime of a “burger” offends me on a personal level. Not only is it labeled incorrectly – it’s not a fucking burger IF IT HAS CHICKEN IN IT! It is also easily the saddest & worst goddamn chicken sandwich I’ve ever had the displeasure of ingesting in my entire life. It is actually amazing just how much they managed to fuck this up. The chicken breast was thin and fucking dry. The mayo was just plain fucking bad. The salad was fucking wilted. And the tomatoes were not fully fucking ripened.
This was a worse disaster than the Trump presidency. Sadly, not unlike the January 6 riots failed to overthrow the U.S. government, I fear my rant here will likewise fail to close the doors of the restaurant that produced this abomination. But one can always dream.
Oh, and did I mention it’s absurdly expensive?

Special Edition
Discontinued
Review
The white barbecue sauce is interesting, but ultimately fails to impress. Just like the rest of this burger. It’s not a bad burger. Just not great.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger butter buns
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • cream cheese
  • fried onion rings
  • seared bacon
  • lettuce
Extras: French fries
Review
Because I can’t tell wether this burger’s name is a pun or not I will suppress the urge to give this burger one star and actually evaluate it based on merit. A novel concept, I know.
This is also one of the rare occasions where after I finished this burger I went back to the list and retroactively lowered the score of another burger. This is because when ordering burgers from Wolt (or any other delivery services) I had simply assumed that the chrispiness of the onion rings was one of the unfortunate areas of compromise inherent to food degradation during delivery. Vič king shattered these assumptions. To which I can only say: props.
There is a lot to like with this burger. The portion i very generous. The beef patty is thicc. The barbecue sauce is delicious. The only potential issue here is auxiliary to the burger itself: the fries it comes with. The fries I received were not only fried in what I can only assume was frying oil past its prime but also didn’t quite play well with the burger. Personally, it is my belief that it is not a necessity for the fries to be included with every burger, however if they are they should be… well, better than these were.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • burger butter buns
  • 12h smoked beef
  • homemade barbecue sauce
  • cream cheese
  • caramelized onions
  • iceberg lettuce
Extras: French fries
Review
While not exactly a burger, this is pretty good. Especially the meat.
Having said that, this sandwich unfortunately suffers from huge balance issues. While the individual ingredients are good, they are all slathered in a far too generous serving of barbecue sauce. I unfortunately cannot recommend it for this reason. But, you know, if you aren’t bothered by this, go for it.

Config
  • brioche bun
  • dry aged beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • sautéed onions
  • pickles
  • tomatoes
  • lettuce
Review
The first thing I noticed was the excellently grilled (mid-rare) excellent meet blend. Unfortunately, things unraveled from there.
Above all else, this burger suffers from balance issues. Firstly, the sauce on this burger was barely noticeable to the point that I had to check the specs to see if this burger even had a sauce. That could be a red flag all its own. Secondly – and more importantly – this burger had waaay too much lettuce. It was like I was eating a salad with a side of beef and buns. It was a first for me, to be honest. But not in a good way. I guess if you’re a weirdo who prioritizes veggies in their burgers above all else, this is for you. If, however, you are looking for an actual burger but want something lighter (as much as that’s possible with such a dish), try the burger from Meat Business.

Special Edition
Discontinued
Config
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • black pepper aioli
  • Cheddar cheese
  • red onion jam
Review
I have been to at least four Burgerfests with Tokyo Piknik also attending and always walked past their stand for some reason. One of the biggest mistakes of my life, let me tell you (#firstworldproblems). This burger gives Pop’s Place‘s offerings a run for their money – which is just about highest praise I can give without venturing into blasphemous territory.

Discontinued
Config
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • special sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • red onion jam
  • marinated beetroot
Review
Great burger. Buuuuuut it’s basically Tokyo’s own Angus Burger plus beetroot. And so far I must confess I am not sold on beetroot as a burger condiment.

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • buns
  • beef patty
  • barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • seared bacon
  • red onion
  • lettuce
  • pickles
Review
Don’t really have much to say here. The burger’s poorly spelled name portends its actual quality. If you can’t pull off a burger with these incredibly standard specs, what are you even doing?

Review based on delivery (COVID)
Config
  • buns
  • beef patty
  • sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • caramelized onions
  • apple slice
  • lettuce
  • pickles
Review
The apple slice inside does more harm than good. If you’re after that kind of taste, ignore this and skip straight to Pop’s Place’sPop’s Original or As Aperitivo’s Boss. Don’t waste your money on this.

Config
  • burger buns
  • pulled pork shoulder
  • homemade Tartar sauce
  • pickled onions
  • baby spinach
Review
Trappa actually started – and is still primarily – a pizzeria (they make outstanding Neapolitan pizzas, check them out sometime). That being the case, it is actually insane that they managed to casually produce one of the best pulled pork sandwiches I’ve ever eaten. It stands as an embarrassment to some establishments I won’t be naming here who fancy themselves burger joints or even steakhouses who can’t even begin to rise to their level. And it’s like 50% cheaper than the competition. Frankly, the only real problem with this dish is that they called it a “burger”.
As for the substantive review portion, shout out to pickled onions. I was skeptical at first but the gentle acidity perfectly balances out the strong flavour of pulled pork.
One of the best bois out there.

Config
  • burger buns
  • baked crunchy pork belly
  • burnt apple mayonnaise
  • cracknels
  • roasted cabbage
Review
The specs of this sandwich were so fancy-sounding to my eyes I couldn’t help myself but order immediately. Burnt apple mayonnaise? I’ve never even seen words like these in the same paragraph, let alone a string! I grew cautiously optimistic.
The dish greatly exceeded my expectations. The pork belly was fantastic and all the other ingredients played together almost perfectly. And it’s cheap to boot!
The only reason I did not give it a higher score is that Trappa’s own Pulled Pork “burger” overall outpaces it slightly. But make no mistake – this is a winner.

Config
  • burger buns
  • baked shrimp
  • homemade truffle mayonnaise
  • rucola
Review
First of, this is the farthest thing from a burger on my website. To celebrate this criminally mislabeled dish I’ve deducted more points from its rating than from any other burger pretender.
Moving on, I’m sorry to say it simply doesn’t work. I actually like shrimp a lot and I genuinely think Trappa did as well as they could have. Sadly, my expectations were proven correct – shrimp simply do not belong in a sandwich. Skip this one and go for one of their pork-based “burgers” instead.

Special Edition
Config
  • roast piglet
  • barbecue sauce
  • coleslaw
  • fried onions
Review
Roast. Fucking. Piglet.

Special Edition
Config
  • slow roast lamb
  • mint yogurt
  • caramelized carrots
  • roasted sesame
Review
Aight. I’m gonna make this short.
1. Burger Sandwich.
2. Stick to the roast piglet, guys.
(Or at the very least, drop the carrots.)

Config
  • aged beef patty
  • truffle sauce
  • Brie cheese
  • fresh truffles
  • fig marmalade
Review
I genuinely hope that it was the Burgerfest that made this burger what it was when I ate it. Because looking at the specs, this bad boy should have been god damn amazing. Alas. While the meat was acceptable and the truffle sauce was fine (though maybe a bit overpowering), I remember exactly one bite where I was just barely able to taste the fig marmalade. That is a travesty, ladies and gentlemen!

Config
  • beef patty
  • Cheddar cheese
  • pancetta
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Review
About a week before this review, I have never heard of Zbornica before. Which is baffling to me considering Ravnatelj here would probably make my top 10 burgers list. Nobody I know (except for the guy who told me about them) knows about this place. It’s weird.

Config
  • smoked ground pork
  • barbecue sauce
  • pancetta
  • pickles
Review
Go look at my review of Smokey Burger from Lars & Sven. This bad boy is exactly the opposite. It has half the ingredients and twice the flavour. The patty is fucking great. The barbecue sauce is just the way I like it. Pancetta (instead of bacon) gives it an extra kick. And even the pickle, the menace that plagues many a sandwich (not really a burger, #neverforget) actually complements the taste here. If you are tired of beef (which… if that’s the case, we’re gonna have a talk after this) try this.

Config
  • beef patty
  • Mozzarella cheese
  • Grana Padano cheese
  • pancetta
  • eggplant
  • zucchini
  • tomato
Review
This is one of those burgers you see the list of ingredients of and you instantly know it’s either going to suck or is somehow going to pull off a miracle. Alas, this one (like most facing this dilemma) falls closer to the former. The eggplant and zucchini…
Actually let’s pause right there for a second. What is this? Why put both in? Pick one or the other (or, you know, preferably neither) and stop messing around. This isn’t fucking ratatouille.
Anyway, I may be fine with one of these if they grilled it and properly infused it with flavour (read: salted and peppered it properly). The sad reality is that they end up tasting so bland that it dampens the taste of the rest of the burger. Not entirely dissimilar to Gurman from Gostilnica in Pivnica Šiška. Except that’s a better burger. Mostly because – and I can’t (seem to) stress this enough – it only has zucchini and not an eggplant also.



TL;DR

This list is subjective. If your tastes align with mine, you will find this very agreeable, and if not, recoil in horror of my palate. Even so, I still believe this to be a worthwhile reference.

My evaluation tends to be almost exclusively based on taste. Other things I consider – to a lesser degree – are included side dishes and portion size. The price will only affect the score if it deviates greatly from the food quality (which will also be noted in the review).

Bon appétit!

How To Use This Resource

Let me start by saying this list is entirely subjective. I briefly considered a more neutral approach but I quickly gave up. I believe people’s tastes are too varied and food is simply too personal to try and work around that.

Even so, I still believe this to be a worthwhile reference for most people. You just have to recalibrate my reviews to match your biases and you’re good to go. There are some things I try to do to help with that recalibration.

First, I list all the burger’s ingredients in the Config section. I did not do this from the start so there may be a few burgers in this list where the section’s missing but for the most part it’s there.

Second, I’m inevitably going to encounter some ingredients I can’t properly score. Like jalapeños, for example. I don’t like them. Never have. That also means I can’t properly convey the difference between a good and a bad one. They’re all unpalatable to me.
So: what do? Well, in case I order a burger with ingredients like this, I will make a note of it in the review and tell you how big of an impact their inclusion in the burger had on the score.

Third, since I probably tried more burgers than you (not trying to flex but statistically speaking that’s probably the case), find the burgers we’ve both tried and see whether you agree with my review and score.

Taking all that into consideration, you’ll be able to recognize and understand my preferences over time and discover where we agree and where we diverge. Based on that you can get a rough idea of which other burgers from my list you may like or dislike.

Scoring

Unlike some “competitors” out there, I don’t fuck around. I score burgers based on taste alone.

This has undoubtedly raised some eyebrows. “What else would he be scoring,” you may be asking yourselves, bewilderingly. If this was indeed your initial reaction, you’ve come to the right place. I won’t name any names but I shit you not, I’ve seen reviews out there from people who consider completely unrelated things like lunchroom’s ambiance or slight perceived rudeness of waiters in their burger reviews. You won’t get any of that nonsense here. The sheer lengths an establishment would need to go to to prompt even a brief off-handed comment from me would have to be truly extreme. If I ordered a burger at a restaurant that turned out to be a literal meth lab which the police decided to raid in the middle of my meal and during the shootout a waiter accidentally shot me in the knee, but the burger was otherwise good, I would at most write something like “not for everyone” at the end of my review.

Back to the matter at hand. My burger evaluation calculation (has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?) is based on the following (in order of importance):

  • Ingredients. Their selection, their individual freshness and quality, and how harmonious they are with each other.
  • Extras. Any included sides (like fries or sauces, most commonly) are welcome but they need to pair well with the burger. Because oh boy are there some famous mismatches out there, let me tell you. If the sides are sold separately the score is not affected.
  • Portion size. Relevant but plays a very minor role. It will influence the score only if well below or above average.
  • Price/Performance Ratio.NEW

Lastly, a few notes on the price. Until recently I completely disregarded burgers’ prices in my scoring. Broadly speaking, there were not that many outliers. Some quite expensive burgers existed but they usually earned their price tag. In cases like those I usually made a (snarky) note of it in my review but left the score intact.
Recently, however, some new joints have been popping up that charge absurd premiums for average or even below average food. And since there is now a decent number of them out there I can no longer maintain the status quo.
The new policy is this: given an average portion size, if the price is either well below or above average, this will now be made note of and the score will be affected. No more free rides.

Technical Notes

The joints on this list are sorted alphabetically whereas the burgers within each joint are sorted by score. A joint name contains a link to their website, Facebook profile, or whatever other web presence I could find.

None of the photographs of burgers on this list were taken by me (subject to change). I simply tried to find the best images of those burgers in whatever way I could (shout-out to Wolt for greatly simplifying this process).

Disclosure

Rest assured that no one is paying, asking for, or otherwise influencing my reviews. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

Which is very disappointing, frankly. I’ve been waiting for years for someone to get in touch so we could work something out.

If you are interested, please contact me to learn more about my pricing structure.


* Under tightly controlled, extremely specific circumstances.


Config
  • Brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • truffle aioli
  • Stilton cheese
  • caramelized onion marmalade
Review
Some may argue it would be preposterous to claim this is humanity’s greatest achievement. I disagree.

Discontinued
Config
  • beef patty
  • house sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • caramelized black onions
  • quail egg
  • chicory
Review
I would crawl over broken glass to lick the juices off the plate this burger was served on.

Discontinued
Config
  • dry aged Irish Angus beef patty
  • homemade mayo with wasabi
  • red caramelized onions
  • lettuce
Review
The tender, juicy patty, some of the best caramelized onions on the market, the mustard-based sauce… Fuuuuuuck. This burger is so magnificent, I’m not even going to complain about how you may need to sell some of your family members into slavery in order to afford it.

Config
  • dry-aged beef patty
  • truffle aioli
  • Stilton cheese
  • onion marmalade
  • apple slice
Review
I have two problems with this burger. First, it used to be called ‘Royale with Cheese’ which is obviously a far superior and more distinct name (there are three “bosses” on this list alone). Second – and most importantly – check the price tag before ordering. Otherwise it’s gonna be tough for the next couple of months.

Config
  • brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • mayonnaise sauce
  • hot sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • carrots
  • radish
  • baby spinach
Review
I saw this burger by chance during an event revolving around food on Ljubljana’s marketplace. As I am sworn to do I ordered it reflexively but seeing the ingredients (they didn’t have them listed, I had to sneak a peek behind the counter), my expectations were relatively low. Perhaps those circumstances contributed to one of the most pleasant surprises I ever received.
I’ll start by saying this burger is not for everyone (anyone without good taste, specifically). The reason lies in the patty. The patty came rarer than a steak tartare. It was one of the softest I ever encountered. It made me appreciate the choice of veggies – the relative neutrality of carrots and spinach and the conservative use of radish amplified the taste of the meat. Furthermore, as someone who is does not much care for anything spicy, I actually didn’t mind the hot sauce – it was noticeable just enough to give the burger a bit of a pleasant kick but was otherwise pretty mild. All in all, I have nothing but praise for this masterpiece.

Config
  • beef patty
  • cream sauce
  • horseradish mayo
  • Gorgonzola cheese
  • smoked bacon
  • onion marmalade
Review
If you told me I would have to take a human life for every bite out of this burger, I would conduct human sacrifices on a scale that would put the ancient Aztecs to shame.
If you are considering any of Stari Pisker’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at the restaurant proper, at Burgerfests they have decided on a brilliant strategic move of shitting all over their reputation by producing exclusively super dry, well done patties.

Config
  • beef patty
  • steak slices
  • barbecue sauce
  • mustard spread
  • onions
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Review
Ho. Lee. Sheet. Before you die, you need – no, must try this burger. This needs to be in your mouth and its juices all over your face.
If you are considering any of Stari Pisker’s offerings at Burgerfest, do yourself a favor and don’t. While their burgers are some of the best in class at the restaurant proper, at Burgerfests they have decided on a brilliant strategic move of shitting all over their reputation by producing exclusively super dry, well done patties.

Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • grass-fed beef patty
  • Hood sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • lettuce
  • tomato
Review
This is it. This bad boy right here is the baseline by which I judge all the other (unwitting) participants. A gold standard of price/performance as well. Go check it out. No, seriously. Go.
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • thousand islands sauce
  • Stilton cheese
  • apple slice
Review
The mention of apple slices on the spec sheet caught my inner skeptic’s eye, but he was ultimately overruled. The decision was proven correct. If you don’t want to order Pop’s famous ‘The Boss’ because you dislike caramelized onions… well, you should reevaluate your life, actually. But in the meantime, try this burger.

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • beef patty
  • thousand islands sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • smoked pancetta
Review
Bacon AND cheese? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?

Special Edition
Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • slow roasted pulled duck
  • mustard with seeds
  • cranberry marmalade
  • black truffle with honey
  • Asiago DOP cheese
  • rucola
Review
This is the 3rd version of The Duke.
Annoyingly, Hood has opted for a stupidly confusing naming scheme for this dish. See my editorial ‘A Royal Mess’ for more information on this topic.
A further improvement upon The Duke 2. They changed the cheese and added rucola. Both extremely welcome changes. This is now hands down my favorite beefless product Hood has ever made.
I’m subtracting some points for the naming confusion, however. I shall hold them hostage until this clusterfuck is resolved.

Special Edition
Config
  • roast piglet
  • barbecue sauce
  • coleslaw
  • fried onions
Review
Roast. Fucking. Piglet.

Config
  • potato bread rolls
  • grass-fed thin double beef patty
  • california style sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • iceberg lettuce
  • grilled onions
  • tomato
Review
The most flavour-rich burger Hood has to offer. The only gripe I have with it are rather superficial: it seems that Hood’s bun containment technology is not yet sufficiently advanced to properly restrain this burger’s ingredients. Second, they don’t make it medium rare, because the patties are too thin. Which… well, in the immortal words of Clay Davis: “Sheeeeeit!”
UPDATE: The goddess of fortune smiles upon us, comrades! Instead of the two thin ones you can request a regular patty which can be prepared medium rare.

Special Edition
Config
  • Black Angus beef patty
  • black pepper aioli
  • Cheddar cheese
  • red onion jam
Review
I have been to at least four Burgerfests with Tokyo Piknik also attending and always walked past their stand for some reason. One of the biggest mistakes of my life, let me tell you (#firstworldproblems). This burger gives Pop’s Place‘s offerings a run for their money – which is just about highest praise I can give without venturing into blasphemous territory.

Discontinued
Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauces
  • cheese
  • bacon
  • rucola
  • tomato
Review
Excellent, this one. I more or less can’t name a single complaint about it. Now, some of you may criticize me by saying I’m being being unfairly generous because Dežela Okusov is located two minutes away on foot from my flat. To which my answer is: my lawyer has advised me to neither confirm nor deny that.
It should be noted that the burger also comes with a ton of fries, so you won’t leave hungry.
Well… unless you don’t eat. In which case, why did you come here?

Config
  • Brioche buns
  • marinated Panko fried chicken
  • ranch dressing
  • lettuce
  • pickles
Review
No reason to beat around the bush: this is hands down the best fried chicken sandwich out there. And it’s even correctly labelled!
So why half a point shy from a perfect score? Two reasons. First, there are pickle slices in this otherwise perfect creation. Second – and more unforgivable – the pickles are not listed in the spec sheet. That’s outrageous. If this sandwich wasn’t as good as it is I’d deduct half a point. But I simply can’t bring myself to do it.

Config
  • Aussie free range Black Angus beef steak
  • Italian Provolone cheese
  • caramelized onions in balsamic vinegar
Review
With the discontinuation of Roastbeef Steak I think it’s fair to say this is the best sandwich L&S currently sell. Frankly, I’d argue it’s the best item on their menu. It’s also the most expensive and, to be honest, not too dissimilar to Philly Cheese. Do with that information what you will.

Config
  • beef patty
  • homemade sauce
  • barbecue sauce
  • Cheddar cheese
  • crispy bacon
  • caramelized onions
  • egg
  • coleslaw
  • tomato
  • lettuce
Review
In most other establishments, a burger like d’Burger’s own d’Slaninc would be considered a flagship. Not here. This one has all of the same ingredients as the aforementioned plus barbecue sauce, a fried egg, and coleslaw. And just like d’Slaninc, it pulls everything off brilliantly. One of my favorites.


Why U Make Dis?

Mainly two reasons:

  1. I needed an up-to-date list of burgers I’ve eaten with at least a brief note on their quality which I could potentially share
  2. I found no good review sites of burgers in Ljubljana or Slovenia (in my vicinity, basically)

It all started one day when a good friend invited me to an upcoming event he discovered, hitherto unknown to us: Pivo in Burger Fest (hereafter “Burger Fest”, as I like to call it, denoting the part I actually care about). As we clearly know today, this was a pivotal moment in history that would eventually lead to this, the most useful resource on the internet*.

Fast foreword a year and I was on my third Burger Fest and I had a problem. I had forgotten some of the establishments I visited during the first two. This was not ideal. If the joint was good I would obviously want to return to it. It was bad, I would want to avoid it. If I didn’t remember it, however, it became a gamble. It did not feel good, participating in this culinary Russian roulette. I decided then and there this cannot stand. When the event was over I went home and wrote down all the burgers I tried at the Burger Fest or elsewhere and what I remembered of their quality. And that’s how this list was born.

The second reason motivating me to create this list is the glaring lack of similar resources. I scoured the internet (by which I mean search for like three queries on Google and skim the first page) for any good review sites in the past when I wanted something new to try. My search always yielded very poor results.
I found two websites from the locals back in the day. The first was a blog with a few reviews which as far as I can tell hasn’t been updated since 2015. The second was a website with actual scores and with quite a few reviews. Sadly, the authors’ tastes seemed too different from mine to find it very useful. I also suspected the site had been abandoned – a suspicion which proved correct as it was taken down a year or so after I found it.
There are of course sites like Trip Advisor out there but for my specific use case they tend to not be very helpful. For example, I’ll see user-posted pictures of burgers on a restaurant’s page only to discover the burger was discontinued or was a one-off special. Or the restaurant will have decent reviews but it’s for reasons other than food quality. Or I’ll go digging through reviews and manage to actually find a review of a specific burger only to discover to my horror the reviewer gave it one star because it had bacon in it.

In conclusion, I made this list because if you want something done and done right, you have to go it alone. And as I’ve demonstrated, people other than me can clearly not be entrusted with this undertaking.

Hood Burger

Hood Burger is the burger joint I frequent the most. I wouldn’t actually say their burgers are the absolute best – make no mistake, they are amazing and have by far the best price/performance ratio of any burger joint I’ve ever been to – but my fondness for them stems more from their influence on the industry. It can legitimately be said they singlehandedly kickstarted the burger revolution in this country. And to an avid fan of history like myself, this seems like one of the best kinds of revolutions.

Alas, nothing in this world is ever wholly good. As the great Francis Bacon (who may, given his last name, seem a peculiar choice of citation in this context, as will become apparent in the coming paragraphs) once remarked: “In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.”

What, pray tell, am I talking about, you may be asking? Brace yourself, for I am about to reveal a disturbing secret.

But be warned, dear reader! In the paragraphs that follow lies the dark truth that you may not have been privy to thus far. In fact, given the nature of the sinister undertones this story is about to rapidly acquire, you are sincerely advised to stop here. There may indeed be some stones best left unturned.

You have been warned.

In a shocking newspaper article about Hood Burger, its founders recall an ominous anecdote behind the origin of the joint’s settled-upon name. From the bone-chilling article:

“Ko sva prvič zagrizla v burger, sva rekla: ‘Kako je hud!’ in to ime je ostalo,” razlagata Ljubljančana, ki sta odraščala na Viču.

Many of my countrymen have no doubt already recoiled in horror of this stunning revelation. As for all my foreign readers, allow me to elaborate. The word “hud” is Slovenian slang, akin to “cool” or “radical” (if you’re older). In this particular context, however, it acquires a different meaning, as it refers to the taste of the burgers, meaning something along the lines of “delicious” or “amazing”. It is also, coincidentally, pronounced very similarly to the way an English speaker would pronounce “hood”.

This leads us to the inevitable horrific conclusion: the name “Hood Burger”… is a pun.

To me, this was indeed a heavy blow. For years I was of a firm belief that nothing associated with puns can ever be truly great. Hood’s burgers, however, have shattered that axiom. I spent countless months reevaluating everything I know about the nature of reality and the meaning of existence, consulting gurus and shamans and monks and scientists and philosophers, unable to resolve this fundamental conflict. To this day I have not found a satisfactory answer. It is possible I never will. Everyone possesses some form of cognitive dissonance and I suppose I’m luckier than most as I actually know the nature of one of mine, even though I am seemingly unable to resolve it.

Should you find yourself in the same boat as me, the only solace I can offer is this, fellow traveler: do not dwell on it. Life is too precious to be wasted worrying about things which are beyond your ability to remedy. Embrace this for what it is and try to move on. And if you are like me, the best medicine I have found – somewhat ironically – is to drown your troubles in copious amounts of refined delicacies readily available at Hood Burger.

Lars & Sven

All right. I’m going to get a lot of heat from this, because there seems to be a massive fandom surrounding Lars & Sven. Whenever I saw a poll on a random website regarding best burgers or best burger joints in Ljubljana (or even Slovenia) Lars & Sven inevitably topped that list – more often than not by a significant margin – or was at least near the top. And I know a lot of people who will swear by their children, unborn or otherwise, that theirs is hands down the absolute pinnacle of burger this country has to offer.

And I’m here to say – I don’t get it.

Don’t misunderstand. I’ve been to Lars & Sven. I’ve tried almost all of their dishes. And they are a solid joint offering pretty good food.

In fact, allow me a tangent. They are one of those rare joints – perhaps the only joint (I can’t be bothered to check) – that correctly labels their products. To elaborate, below are two menus, one from Lars & Sven, one from Hoo-… ahem… an undisclosed competitor:

Lars & Sven’s menu
Click to enlarge

An undisclosed competitor’s menu
Click to enlarge

Now, we don’t really care about drinks and sides and all that, so let’s focus on the main dishes exclusively. Computer, enhance!

Lars & Sven’s culinary offering
Click to enlarge

An undisclosed competitor’s culinary offering
Click to enlarge

You may be looking at this and thinking: “What’s wrong with this?” And I wouldn’t blame you. There are many who fail to understand the gravity of offense the creators of this menu have committed. If you are indeed asking yourself the aforementioned question, I hereby give you a choice. You may cease reading here and remain ignorant on the issue, or you may proceed and learn what troubles me so. But be warned! There is no turning back once you learn the truth

If you are still reading, I shall interpret this as desire to break the chains of ignorance and join the initiated. So strap yourselves in. You are about to be redpilled, my dudes.

Take a look at the title of the foods sections on both menus. The one from Lars & Sven is named “Hunger”. The one from an undisclosed competitor is called “Burgers”. Perfectly reasonable, yes? No, stupid! Because, look at the items on the menu. Lars & Sven has an array of burgers, sandwiches, and even chicken fingers. Well, based on the title, that must mean the other joint only offers burgers, right? Wrong again, you idiot! While it may not be very clear from the ingredients in some cases, if one were familiar with this menu one would realise that three of the items are burgers, two items are sandwiches, one item is chicken fingers, and one resembles a burger but it’s technically not.

In light of this analysis, we can draw several conclusions.

First, I have little doubt that most of the people who made it this far – maybe even you, dear reader – have concluded that I am insane. And that is your right. I have no way to prevent anyone from being wrong.

Second, to me – and those brave few loyalists who stuck with me through this rant – the latter menu constitutes a blatant disregard for the value of specific meanings assigned to their respective words and gross negligence and misconduct in regards to the accuracy of their use, culminating in a menu that, ultimately, offers some choice reflective of the title of said menu, but alas, mostly lies and broken promises.

So, to bring all this back to the point I was trying to make: Lars & Sven have proven that they fundamentally understand the difference between burgers and sandwiches and their menu reflects this. Given how many joints fail to appreciate this crucial difference, Lars & Sven are a breath of fresh air in an industry criminally bereft of care for precise terminology.

As we conclude this tangent, many of you, I suspect, expect me to elaborate my earlier statements regarding the quality of their food. I find your expectations reasonable. However, I have a confession to make.

You see, I was hoping that by the end of my tangent I would have, for one reason or another, alienated all of my readers. But, given that you are still reading this, I seem to have miscalculated.

Sooo… this is awkward…

Kavarna Tiskarna

Tiskarna’s been one of the joints most recommended to me. Like in one other notable case (khm, Lars & Sven, khm), I am once again befuddled as to exactly why they are so popular. Yes, they have big portions, relatively good prices and a lot of options. But I’m sorry – to the people who evangelized this to me – I just don’t think they’re all that special.

That being the case, we’re going to embark upon an journey and try to figure out why I’m not a fan of Tiskarna. I’ve actually never tried putting into words what exactly bothers me about them so much. So this should be a treat for us all, eh?

Let me cut right to the chase of my first problem with the joint. By which I mean let me slowly build up to it.

Let’s take a look at an… undisclosed competitor’s menu:

Now, before we continue, let me get something out of the way. I’m about to praise this menu. The avid readers among you, however, will snidely remark that I have criticized this very same menu in another review. To those of you I say this: listen up, dipshit. This is my god damn website. I can do whatever the fuck I want. And there’s nothing you can do about it, bitch.

But you’re not entirely wrong.

Syke! You actually are, dumbass! Yes, I have criticized this menu before. But it was on entirely different grounds. If you’d have sat the fuck down and kept reading before you so rudely hypothetically interrupted me, you would have known that. So maybe next time read the whole fucking article before you run your fat fucking mouth. Imbecile.

I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I’m going through some stuff.

Anyway. Ignoring whatever you may think of the actual quality of the food offered by this enigmatic competitor, theirs is a very simple and solid menu. In the first spot, there’s their basic burger. Ingredients you immediately recognize. Following that is an upgraded version. The last three mix things up a little. You know, if you get bored of the classics. That last one – looking at the price and ingredients – seems to be something special, even. The only minor critique I have is that there doesn’t seem to be a clearly identifiable flagship (the last burger listed is arguable – the price says “flagship” but the ingredients say “special”). But it doesn’t matter. All in all, beautiful menu, something for everyone.

I bring this up as an example of what to strive for. Because what I’m about to show you is quite possibly the most messy menu I’ve seen from a joint To be clear, I’m not talking about the design of the menu itself but rather the variety of dishes. Also, because Tiskarna doesn’t have a website and they don’t have their latest menu posted anywhere where I can easily find it – not even on Facebook for fuck sake! – I’ll include a deliberately bad photo of the menu I took below. Focus only on the burgers:

Um… on second thought, looking over Tiskarna’s menu once again, I now realize the critique I was about to levy is not very robust. Holy shit, I might even be kind of completely wrong, actually…

You know what? I’m abandoning this entire line of discourse.

That’s right. I’m not like one of those pompous reputable food critics. I don’t ruminate on these reviews for weeks before I write them. You’re getting an uncut, live feed, straight from my brain. It’s raw. It’s real. It’s fresh. Deal with it.

Now, let’s really cut right to the chase.

What actually bothers me is that almost their entire lineup, if you look at the ingredients, seems to have been designed by a mad scientist. It’s burger after burger with condiments that have no business being in a burger.

Allow me a brief sidebar. I know, I used the word “burger” a lot in the previous sentence. Those familiar with my other works will undoubtedly be aware of my fondness for mixing things up in that regard. But guess what? I googled “burger synonyms”. The only viable one that came up was “hamburger”. A million words in the English language. A million fucking words. 170.000 still in use. And not really even two distinct fucking words to refer to one of the most popular foods in The West. Absolutely tragic.

Anyway what was I saying? Ah, yes.

I don’t mind experimentation. Some of my favorite burgers don’t have Cheddar or lettuce or tomatoes or – dare I say bacon – on them. But there’s a limit to these things. At some point, if you just keep throwing shit between the buns, it’s not even a burger anymore. And it also doesn’t help that a lot of the time, the ingredients don’t even work well together.

I guess that’s all I wanted to say, really.

Thinking it over, I guess it all just comes down to me not liking different… things…

Oh god…

Am I… Am I not cut out to be a burger reviewer?

Good But Not Great

I’ve noticed a trend a while ago. I don’t know who started it and how long it’s been going on but it really crystallized when I was eating Kavarna Rog’s very cleverly named ‘Burger Rog’. Therefore, I will make an example out of them. And before you start: no, I don’t care that that’s not fair.

Listen. I’m not a real food critic, OK? I am, first and foremost, a shitposter. Born and raised. Well… not exactly raised (sorry, parents). But I did go to school for it. Besides. You don’t come here for yawn-inducing stuff like history or facts. You come here for outlandish grand narratives and my personal opinions about food you trust implicitly. So read on. I’m about to give you another dose of pure, unadulterated truthiness.

Burger Rog is a classic example – among an increasing number – of what I would classify as a “good but not great” burgers (I mean “great” as in God tier). Why are they not great? It took me a while to figure out why but I finally cracked it.

Let’s say you took a somewhat culinarily-minded person who has only ever eaten burgers from the big shitty food chains – your Burger Kings, your Mickey Dee’s, etc. – and gave them the task to make a better version of the abominations those fast food joints produce, it feels to me like Burger Rog is precisely what they would come up with: fresh veggies, off-the-shelf buns, pre-seasoned ground beef, and a mix of existing sauces. You know, real(ish), edible ingredients, basically. The burger made from these would be superior to any over-processed hodgepodge the big fast food joints could ever produce. It would be good. But not great.

Let me draw you another analogy.

Suppose you built a time machine and went back in time to like 2008 or so and asked a younger version of me how to improve upon then-contemporary pizzas.

Before we continue with this line of thought, a few questions.

First, how the fuck did you manage to build a working time machine?! That’s some crazy shit, dude! Second, you better not be fucking up my timeline, motherfucker. Third – and I can’t stress this one enough – what the fuck are you doing? Did you honestly conclude that this extraordinary technological marvel’s optimal utility is obtaining food takes from a teenager? Are you insane? How could someone intelligent enough to build this impossible device think to use it for something so trivial?

You know what? I’m starting to think you didn’t actually build that time machine. You totally killed the previous owner and stole that shit, didn’t you?

Anyway, let’s leave tangents on plot holes (chasms, really) and your heinous crimes aside for another time.

That dashing young rogue from three paragraphs ago you were inexplicably asking for pizza improvement tips would likely have given you the same answer as outlined in the beginning: he would have told you to put better cheese, better (and more) tomatoes, better ham on that dough. And you know what? Following that advice, the pizza thusly created would have been good. But not great.

(See what I did there? That last sentence? Yeah. Masterful reincorporation.)

If you really want to fundamentally improve pizza, you need to go back to the word with which I am about to beg the question: the fundamentals. In this case, the dough. You see, back in the day I had no problem with the dough that was ubiquitous in Slovenia’s pizzerias at the time (New York-style-esque, essentially). But that’s because I am not a visionary chef. Or, you know, have never visited any pizzerias in Italy where they make Neapolitan pizzas. Seriously guys, once you’ve eaten sourdough-based pizza, it’s really hard to go back.

Now, to finally apply this lesson to burgers. If you want to make a burger that truly stands out, you have to do real work. You need to knead and bake your own buns (brioche, of course). You need to put together your own beef blend. You need to whip up your own special sauce. Or, hire someone competent who can do all these things for you I guess.

My overall point here, if there is one, is this: if you want to truly differentiate yourself from the heard you need to pay attention to every ingredient in your final product. Burger is not that complicated of a dish and every part of it you skimp on is immediately noticeable. So don’t do it if you don’t have to.

Otherwise, your burger might be good. But it won’t be great.

(And that, folks, is how you Fucking. Nail. the ending. Look at me now, mom and dad. I’m a real writer!)

A Royal Mess

Hood Burger. Love them or hate them*, no one can deny that they have been instrumental – if not pivotal – in the development of everything to do with burgers in my home country. Even if you don’t like their food** but do like burgers in general, chances are that your favorite burger joint would not have existed had Hood never arrived on the scene.

Yet as grand a contribution as their burgers were to the diversity of deliciousness, they have also made some critical mistakes over the years. I am of course referring to my longstanding gripes I have had with their classification schemes. My long time readers will by now undoubtedly have already rolled their eyes at me. Nevertheless: chicken “burger” is not a burger. It is a sandwich. Now, sure, that particular dish is no longer on their menu (undoubtedly removed due to the immense reputational damage my scathing critiques have caused over the years). Yet the fact is that it remained improperly classified until the very end.

But we are not here today to talk about semantic disagreements. These squabbles are but a pale shadow of a much more serious matter.

Very few people are aware that something sinister has been taking place under their very noses. What started as an seemingly innocent dish five years ago morphed into a chaotic disaster. Worse than that, it appears that Hood are fully aware of the havoc their creation has wrought and have been working tirelessly behind the scenes to cover up their scandalous transgressions.

This ends today. I have finally secured the evidence required to uncover this dark secret and lay it bare for the world to see.

I realize the tale I am about to weave is not for the faint of heart. However, it is my belief that simply letting it go untold would be a far greater wrong. It would be a dereliction of my duty were I to stay silent any longer and it would forever weigh on my conscience. In other words, I have no choice but to bring this story to your attention.

Before I begin, an apology in advance. This editorial is going to be more image-heavy than usual. This is because once this article runs, Hood will doubtlessly do all in their power to erase any traces of their shameful past. And I cannot let that happen. Therefore, I must document every step of my investigation as thoroughly as possible.

Now then – let’s get started.

Dark Secrets and Historical Revisionism

On Hood’s website, buried deep under the Special Edition section of their menu, dwells a seasonal “burger” called The Duke. There is a brief description of this seemingly innocent menu item but that is about it.

Click to enlarge

Now, as stated, I myself know the dark and chaotic history behind this creation. However, were I to simply write it down without any proof then you, dear reader, could rightly dismiss me as a deranged lunatic. Therefore, I needed to get my hands dirty. I needed proof.

Those of us in the know can tell you that the unveiling of a new burger by Hood is always accompanied by an article in their News section. But once you look there, the article cannot be found. In fact, there are no articles there older than January 6th, 2021 and there are no links to their news archive anywhere to be found:

Click to enlarge

Why the date of their oldest article on that website coincides with the day of the attempted overthrow of the United States Government is a rabbit hole all its own. But this is simply not the time nor the place. We must keep going.

Digital forensics

This is where the story gets a bit technical. Due to my extensive expertise in computer science I was able to breach Hood’s security-through-obscurity by delving deep into their navigational structure in order to bypass their masking protocols and uncover the cleverly hidden pathways to their redacted documents. I will do my best to explain in layman’s terms how this was possible though I realize this may be difficult to follow.

If you visit the News section on their website and look at the URL bar, you will see the following path:

However, this seemingly irreproachable web address is merely a ruse used to deceive a casual visitor. But through a clever technique I may or may not have pioneered, I was able to click on one of their articles on this website. From there, I observed something shocking – the web address changed ever-so-subtly before my very eyes:

Using a (probably illegal) elimination technique I learned on the dark web I proceeded to delete specific characters from the address wit surgical precision. Once I was finished, I was left with the following address:

With a trembling hand I pressed ‘Enter’. The web browser reloaded the page. To my shock, a previously concealed page opened up before me. Article after article, all right there, sorted chronologically from newest to oldest. But that was not all. At the bottom of the site, there was another link – Older Posts.

This was huge. I now had access to their entire catalog of all their old news articles. All I had to do was find the evidence and present it to the world. I saved all the webpages on a caching service so as to prevent any subsequent manipulation and proceeded to lay it all out.

Below is the full history of ‘The Duke’.

Chaos Revealed

2017: The 1st St. Martin’s Day Special – The Duke

Cached page.

The story begins in the year of our Judeo-Christian Lord 2017. The first edition of The Duke is unveiled to the world, simply – and logically – named ‘The Duke’. I will not go into the reviews of each Duke iteration specifically in this article. If you are interested in those, look at the Burgers page of my website (this website) and look for the Hood Burger section.

Perhaps as a side-note: at this stage, ‘The Duke’ (inexplicably) sports a proper beef patty in addition to the pulled duck, technically making it a burger. Strictly speaking, this is not an important part in this story but I mention it as a fun fact. You know, to lighten the mood, given an otherwise deadly serious topic.

Anyway – so far so good.

2018: The 2nd St. Martin’s Day Special – The Duke 2

Cached page.

The second Duke is revealed to the world, aptly dubbed ‘The Duke 2’.

I like that, personally. Not only does it tell me that it is a successor to ‘The Duke’, the change in number also signified a change in substance. ‘The Duke 2’ eschewed the beef patty, characteristic of its predecessor. It also improved upon other ingredients, making it a worthy upgrade despite its demotion to a sandwich.

Sadly, this was also where this great royal line peaked. Etymologically speaking.

2019: The 3rd St. Martin’s Day Special – The Duke 2.0

Cached page.

In a strange twist of fate, November of 2019 brought with it a most unwelcome change. The successor to the critically acclaimed (by me) ‘The Duke 2’ was now confusingly named ‘The Duke 2.0’.

This made no sense. Surely, ‘The Duke 2’ would be the one technically considered a 2.0? And the .0 was surely just omitted for simplicity’s sake, I thought. Incorrect, it seems.

Most bizarre of all is that ‘The Duke 2.0’ wasn’t merely an encore. You know, because that would at least make some semblance of sense. Oh no. In fact, ‘The Duke 2.0’ had been tweaked again – they changed the cheese and added rucola. But did that really warrant a grotesque corruption of the naming scheme? Surely, since this was a minor update, would it not be more logical to dub it a 2.1?

Luckily, the sandwich was at least delicious. Otherwise I do not know how I would have kept my sanity that year.

2020: The 4th St. Martin’s Day Special – The Duke II

Cached page.

2020 was where descent into madness transitioned from a slow, methodical grind to an outright plunge. Not only was the world losing its marbles due to the rapid spread of a deadly virus – far worse, ‘The Duke II’ dropped.

‘The Duke II’ was once again a refinement of the previous generation. It kept the same specifications as ‘The Duke 2.0’ but returned to the cheese choice of ‘The Duke 2’.

This was the final straw. Hood have been toying with my sanity for far too long by that point.

Listen, I get it. You feel like you haven’t quite nailed it yet. I understand and respect your pursuit of culinary perfection. But why THE FUCK must your GODDAMN journey include FUCKING WITH ME SPECIFICALLY? HOW IS THIS NOT AT LEAST A GODDAMN 2.2 IF YOU’RE SAVING THE PRECIOUS FUCKING 3?! BUT PLEASE, FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY – STOP DOING THIS. STOP IT WITH THE TWOS. I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!

As a side note: the font on their website makes it seem like the this sandwich is called ‘The Duke 11’. You know, just in case the emotional damage was not already beyond repair.

2021: The 5th St. Martin’s Day Special – The Duke 2/2.0/II

Cached page.

The conspiracy surrounding this one runs so deep it was impossible to document it all within a brief description like the rest of them. That is also the reason why I have obscured its full name.

Please read ‘A Royal Mess 2: The Reckoning’ for the full story.

Conclusion (For The Moment)

Now you know, dear reader. If you have made it this far, you are now in possession of a terrible piece of information, of crimes against logic and language. What you will do with it I cannot know but it is not my place to chose for you. You must find your own path forward and do what duty compels you to do. As for me, I will try to live the rest of my days trying to suppress this memory.

Until the next November when the new Duke arrives.


* The former is the correct answer, by the way. If you disagree, I cannot even begin to comprehend the depths of tragedy which has surely befallen you to make your opinion so wrong. But I’m here if you want to talk about it.

** Again, Jesus fucking Christ, what happened to you?

A Royal Mess 2: The Reckoning

An Inauspicious Prelude

I am sitting on the edge of a bed.

The window in the room is slightly open. I know there are sounds coming from outside. Yet I cannot hear them.

I see a vague, hazy silhouette of my hands. Yet I cannot feel them. And yet, they hurt. Everything hurts. Everything is a blur.

I have not slept in three days. Perhaps four. It is impossible to tell.

With a trembling hand, I reach for my keyboard. “I must write,” I think to myself. But I cannot.

Nothing matters anymore.

We live in a hell world.

The Plot Thickens

I am writing this on November 7, 2021. Having slept for almost two full days my mind is now clearer.

The ramblings of a mad man you just read above are an excerpt from a piece of paper. I found it in my room earlier today. I cannot remember writing any of it but I presume it is from a few days ago.

I am publishing it because I want you to understand what Hood has done to me.

I now firmly believe that they have read my original bombshell editorial and are now employing sophisticated psychological strategies to undermine my sanity and ultimately discredit me. However, much to their chagrin (I imagine), I am still (loosely) in control of my wits. This is also why I am now rushing to put these words on the proverbial paper should my situation change.

Be all of that as it may, I am not some deranged lunatic. I shall substantiate all my accusations above with concrete proof.

The Story So Far

Before you continue, I once again strongly encourage you to read the preceding article, ‘A Royal Mess’. But for all of you lazy fuckers who did not, here is a brief synopsis of the events that led to my current predicament.

For five years now, Hood Burger have been serving a burger (technically a sandwich but we’ll leave that rabbit hole alone for now) called The Duke. They have also been dutifully iterating upon its ingredients, making it better every year. The same can not be said about the burger’s naming scheme, however.

The original The Duke from 2017 was followed by The Duke 2 in 2018. It was a fantastic sequel to a controversial first edition. Yet things unraveled quickly. 2019 saw the introduction of The Duke 2.0. It was once again a substantive upgrade, if not as drastic as the first sequel. But the name made no sense. Worse yet, Hood wasn’t done. In 2020, they went straight off the deep end and introduced The Duke II. The new Duke saw another small culinary tweak which was good. However, any improvement to its taste was dwarfed by the havoc wrought upon innocent etymologically-minded prospective gastronomes who suffered because of its name.

Having witnessed the history of these crimes against reasonable continuity I felt I could stay silent no longer. In the spring of 2021, I published an exposé detailing their misdeeds. A small part of me hoped that they may see my scathing (but extremely on point) criticism and reflect on their actions, or maybe even… improve?

Then November 2021 came and my hopes utterly smashed.

The Campaign of Torment

The first acts of Hood’s terrorism began on November 2. They published an article on their news page which began thusly:

(I have created a cached page of the full article in case they once again attempt to obscure their villainy.)

A parallel campaign also went live. They sent the following email to their subscribers, of which I am one:

Did you catch that? One has ‘The Duke 2’ in the title, the other ‘The Duke 2.0’. THOSE ARE TWO SEPARATE BURGERS, HOOD. WHICH FUCKING IS IT?!

Luckily, the article body in the email was the same as the one on the website. Through a simple investigative principle called ‘reading’, I was able to deduce the burger’s ingredients from the article: slow-roasted pulled duck, mustard with seeds, cranberry marmalade, truffle with honey, Gruyere cheese, and rucola. One of them caught my eye: Gruyere. I checked my notes. The original The Duke 2.0 had Asiago cheese and was therefore easily ruled out as a suspect. The original The Duke 2, however, did have Gruyere. Furthermore, while the email did have The Duke 2.0 in the title, the article itself only ever mentioned The Duke 2.

So… case closed. The Duke 2 was going to be the one on the menu, not The Duke 2.0.

OR WAS IT?

NOT AT ALL, ACTUALLY. It could not have been The Duke 2 because The Duke 2 DID NOT HAVE RUCOLA IN IT. That means that IT WAS ACTUALLY THE DUKE II ALL ALONG!

This is where my descent into madness began.

“Why,” I kept asking myself, “why would they do this?” Was it a mistake naturally brought about by their own stupid fucking naming system that left even Hood’s own staff confused? DO NOT BE SO NAIVE, DEAR READER. THIS WAS A SHOT AT ME PERSONALLY. They read my article, saw how much pain their scheme caused me, and DELIBERATELY DESIGNED AND METICULOUSLY CRAFTED A CAMPAIGN WHICH WOULD TRIGGER MY SPIRAL INTO DELIRIUM!

Some of you may still be incredulous. Do not worry. I shall remedy that presently.

The next day, having barely recovered from the emotional toll of the previous, I saw a notification from Facebook on my phone. I opened it without paying much attention. Here is what I saw:

As I read the title my eyes instantly locked focus on a familiar name: The Duke II.

It was as if a heavy burden had been lifted. For the first time in almost 24 hours, I could feel the anxiety subsiding and I was able to breathe normally again. With newfound joy, I lowered my guard and continued to read.

Big mistake.

To my everlasting horror, I stumbled upon what at that time felt like the worst combination of words in any written language: The Duke 2. Right there in the second paragraph. A TRAP. One I never even saw coming. What struck me was just how devious it was: the post started with the correct name – almost as if a correction had been issued – LULLING ME INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. Then, a paragraph later – JUST OUT RANGE OF THE PHONE’S NOTIFICATION SUMMARY – A KNOCKOUT PUNCH.

I have no memory of what happened in the days that followed. All I know is that I regained my senses roughly four days later. I awoke to the joyful cries of my family members who stayed at my bedside the entire time. They informed me that some passersby found me passed out in an alley miles away from my home and called the paramedics. The rest was history.

An Uncertain Conclusion

I have learned a lot from the events of the past week. Chief among them: Hood stood at the crossroads after my first article and they clearly made their choice. I now know they will never change. The Duke is destined to remain in numeric hell forever. Yet as odd as it sounds, I find this comforting in some strange way. It allows me to come to terms with my emotions and begin healing.

There is no better way to heal than in the company of good food. And ironically enough, having eaten The Duke II today I am already feeling much better.

You should give it a try. It’s fucking delicious.