Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!


From: Mrs. Alice Walton

To: William


my name is Mrs. Alice Walton, a business woman an America Citizen and the heiress to the fortune of Walmart stores, born October 7, 1949. I have a mission for you worth $100,000,000.00(Hundred Million United State Dollars) which I intend using for CHARITY

From: William

To: Mrs. Alice Walton


Dear Mrs. Alice Walton

To be perfectly honest, I was more than a bit skeptical of your claimed identity when I first pulled your email out of my Spam folder. By the end of the first sentence, however, when you stated your birth date, I was convinced you are indeed who you claim to be. It would be nigh-impossible to obtain such personal information by just anyone. Or so I am assured by my $800/hour private investigator.

But all my initial skepticism was promptly eradicated as my eyes gazed upon a number that at first - rather disappointingly - began with a 1, but then followed by an erection-inducing number of zeros.

With all due respect ma'am, I did not finish reading your email. I don't care what the mission you wish me to embark upon is, I hereby unconditionally accept.

After all, I am in desperate need of money having spent nearly three quarters of my fortune on that private investigator.

Please send further details. I stand ready.

Best regards,

From: Mrs. Alice Walton

To: William


Hello My Dear Friend and Partner

Greetings to you my dear Beloved, my name is Mrs. Alice Walton, a business woman an America Citizen and the heiress to the fortune of Walmart stores, born October 7, 1949. I have a mission for you worth $100,000,000.00(Hundred Million United State Dollars) which I intend using for CHARITY PROJECT to help the less privilege and orphanage.
I must say my spirit has been lifted since I received your mail indicating your readiness to assist me with this humanitarian project. You won't be able to know the number of lives we can impact with this project in your country. But I think we need to get to know ourselves more better before we proceed further on this project. Here are some information about me and also an interview of me live on YOUTUBE which was published on the 6th of November 2014 the Alice Walton's Crystal Bridges Museum Art lunching in Texas U.S.A.

As you already know from the above links, I am Alice Louise Walton (born October 7, 1949) the daughter of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton, an America Citizen, a business woman and a graduate of Trinity University and lives in Mineral Wells, Texas U.S.A. I want to establish a foundation with your help to reach out to the less privilege, orphans and homeless people around the world. Due to my current state of health which brought me from the United State to UK, it's only with your cooperation and efforts that this project can see the light of day. So I use this medium to implore you to do all you have to make this a reality. Please kindly send the following details below.


I may not live to see the realization of this project but I have implicit confidence that you would be able to complete this humanitarian project at all cost. Attached to this mail are copies of my photographs, I shall provide you with an agreement document prepared by my Legal Counsel for you to sign your own part of the agreement in my next letter as soon as I get the required data which is as stated above and a scan copy of your photo ID.

I would expect same gesture from you so that we can proceed further. Your details would also be required by my Legal Counsel to prepare cover documents for this project.

Get back to me in the nearest possible time.

Thanks Mrs.Alice Walton

From: Vladimir

To: Mrs. Alice Walton


Dear Mrs. Alice Walton

First and foremost, please accept my sincerest apologies for this reply being more than a year late. I am not one to offer excuses, however I believe you deserve an explanation for my tardiness. Allow me to preface it by saying - and pardon my French - the "Democratic" "Republic" of Kongo can kiss my clean-shaven balls.

There I was, an honest businessman finding himself indebted to less than reputable characters whom a lesser man would find ways to outmaneuver, yet honor-bound not to embark upon such path I swear to my benefactors (under pain of death, but that is not important) to recuperate their losses. Fueled solely by the quest to reconstitute my good standing in the community (and not at all by the looming threat upon my life) I devise a brilliant strategy, both temporally efficient and appealing likewise to my humanitarian side. Through clever scheming and greasing of palms I manage to dethrone an evil local warlord, freeing hundreds of indigent child soldiers from under his yolk, reinvigorating their personhoods through uprooting senseless violence from their lives and imbuing them with a sense of purpose and work ethic by selflessly offering employment in my concurrently bootstrapped new enterprise: cobalt excavation. And what do I get as thanks? A lifelong prison sentence following the pronouncement of a guilty verdict by a kangaroo court alleging a conspiracy to defraud the government because of my refusal to fork over the unreasonably exorbitant tax, nay bribe, levied upon me by the corrupt tyrant of that miserable excuse for a country.

But enough about me. How have you been?

Awaiting your answer in the next email, I shall continue. I have read your Wikipedia page and watched your YouTube interview. I have also read up extensively on this "Walmart" you mentioned both your emails. Needless to say, I was impressed by your father's legacy.

At the risk of retconning my recent struggles - which I assure you is not my intent - I dare suggest my year in central Africa actually bolsters my credentials as it relates to your proposed project. Through my aforementioned research I discovered that I have actually unwittingly applied many managerial, business, and human resource practices of contemporary Walmart to my prospecting enterprises in Kongo. Permitting myself to read between the lines of your last email, I believe myself capable of improving upon the aforeknown entrepreneurial principles under your tutelage and applying them to your "charity" project.

I am including my details below as requested.

NAME: Vladimir Arkadyevich Ivanov (I realise you must be surprised given I signed the last email as 'William'; I assure you my intent was not to deceive, but one can never be too careful in this day and age...)

ADDRESSES: I beg your forgiveness, but I must decline providing my current residence at the outset. As you probably noticed, I have wholly omitted the details of my prison break from the clutches of my autocratic captor. This was because of the highly unorthodox nature of my escape, the particulars of which, if disclosed in an unsafe medium such as email, could eventually lead to my present location, the revelation of which would be most unwise given the growing number of my pursuers.

MOBILE: Once again I beg your forgiveness, but I do not have a mobile phone in my possession as it could compromise my location.


OCCUPATION: Entrepreneur

In closing, receive my gratitude for entrusting me with your ambitious undertaking. I await your reply eagerly.

Best regards,

From: Mrs. Alice Walton

To: Vladimir

[Your message wasn't delivered to because the domain couldn't be found.]