Last updated: May 18th, 2019 07:53 pm
Q: What am I doing here? What is this place? Who are you?
A: Whoa, slow down. Cool your jets. Take a chill pill. Ease off the throttle. Which one would you like me to answer first?
Q: Uh … The last one, I guess?
A: Ugh … Read the damn Bio at the bottom. What are you, new to the internet?
Q: Hey, there’s no need to be so hostile!
A: That wasn’t a question, dumbass! This is an FAQ. You ask, I answer.
Q: All right, all right. Perhaps we should both just calm dow-
A: NO! You’ve wasted enough of my time already! Either ask the next god damn question or get the fuck out!
Q: *Sigh* Fine. I guess I’m repeating myself, but what is this place?
A. You’re repeating yourself all right. But OK, I’ll let it slide. I guess the TL;DR version would be that this is my personal website, a reflection of my interests, an ongoing effort to learn about setting up and maintaining a webpage and, frankly, just something I enjoy doing. Which, by the way, you would know if you bothered to read the home page.
Q: What’s a TL;DR?
A: You’re starting to piss me off. Here. First result. And read quickly, I don’t have all day.
Q: You know, you’re a terrible host! All I was asking for was some basic information and all you’ve given me is grief! Why can’t you be nice?
A: Oh for the love of … Look, I don’t have time for this, okay? If you would have read the home page like you were supposed to I wouldn’t even have to have this FAQ up! It’s lazy bastards like you that I have to deal with every day who are turning my hair grey!
Q: What the fuck are you talking about?! On the bottom of your site it says to “read the site’s FAQ for more information”. I came here and I’m trying to figure some stuff out and yet all you are doing is being an asshole and not really providing any answers!
A: OK. Fine. I’ll concede that maybe I should have been more clear about some stuff on my home page. However – again – you appear to have been paying no attention whatsoever. You said it yourself just now: “read the site’s FAQ for more information”. More information. That specifically means that there is most if not all of the information already available on the home page. So what the hell are you babbling about? Are you incompetent or something? Do you want me to hold your wittle hand and guide you thwough all this like a wittle baby?
Q: Hey! I will have you know that my hands are perfectly normal in size! You can ask my doctor!
A: Why are you being so defensive?
Q: I … I don’t know …
A: That comment about your hands … It got you pretty riled up, didn’t it? Why is that?
Q: It’s just that … my friends at school, they … they were always teasing me about them, you know … and my mom and dad … they said that if I ate more vegetables I would grow big and strong and … and I did, I ate all the broccoli and spinach and I drank milk and I did everything I was told to do … and for what?! My hands never grew. They. Never. Grew!
A: I see, I see … And how does that make you feel?
Q: I guess I just thought tha- … Wait, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
A: Hehe! I was able to utilise my superior intellect in order to lull you into a false sense of security which I exploited for my own personal gain in an attempt to persuade you to divulge your innermost insecurities which I am now able to weaponise and use them against you. It was a plan so ingeniously nefarious and worked so flawlessly that I don’t even care that my previous sentence probably doesn’t make sense.
Q: You … You’re a monster …
A: Oh stop. You’re making me blush.
Q: That does it! You are horrible, twisted little person and I hope I never cross paths with you again! I hope you rot in hell!
A: All in a day’s work, pal. Buh-bye!