Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!


My colleagues and I were bored at work sometimes. So we decided to troll various cryptocurrency exchanges. Below is my attempt.

Shout-out to Kraken support for actually getting back to me regarding my dumbass request.

From: Me

To: Kraken Support

Subject: Request

Greetings, great an honorable Kraken!

I have a nuisance I need taken care of. I operate a small... involuntary goods acquisition enterprise from the shores of Somalia (my lawyer has advised me not to go into too great a detail regarding the nature of my work). As you may imagine, the competition is rather cutthroat. Literally.

Anyway, to the matter at hand. Recently, my business is being threatened by a particularly nasty competitor who has somehow managed to acquire an old but very much functional military vessel. This of course gives him a tremendous advantage over his competitors. Which is to say - me.

Your Tentacleness... I would like you to sink that goddamn ship.

The reason I contacted you was because I can think of no better solution to my predicament than enlisting the ancient beast from the deepest darkest oceans who routinely engages in submerging large swaths of naval shipping into the silent abyss.

Please send me your fee schedule.

I look forward to your reply.

From: Kraken Support

To: Me

Subject: Re: Request


Thank you for contacting Kraken support.

Unfortunately your request is slightly out of the scope of our operations 😉

Here is a link to our fee schedule if you are interested.

Wish you all the best!

Kind regards,
Kraken Client Engagement

My name is Tomaž.Tolkien and 40k lore aficionado, TV show connoisseur, Apple enthusiast, and fixer of computers. Referenced1 in several2 doctoral theses. Friendly unless provoked.
1Mentioned in dedication2Two
Also, I'm Batman.
Nice try. I'm untraceable, bitch!
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