Last updated: December 5th, 2022 04:42 pm

My colleagues and I were bored at work sometimes. So we decided to troll various cryptocurrency exchanges. Below is my attempt.

Shout-out to Kraken support for actually getting back to me regarding my dumbass request.

From: Me
To: Kraken Support
Subject: Request

Greetings, great and honorable Kraken!

I have some business I need taken care of. I operate a small… involuntary goods acquisition business from the shores of Somalia (my lawyer has advised me not to divulge too much regarding the nature of my business). As you may imagine, the competition is rather cutthroat. Literally.

Anyway, to the matter at hand. Recently, my business has been threatened by a particularly nasty competitor who has somehow managed to acquire an old but very much functional U.S. military vessel. This gives him a tremendous advantage over the competition, namely – me.

Your excellency. I would like you to sink that goddamn ship.

The reason I contacted you was because I can think of no better solution to my predicament than enlisting the almighty beast who routinely engaged in submerging large swaths of naval shipping into the silent abyss in the days of old.

Please send me your fee schedule.

I look forward to your reply.

From: Kraken Support
To: Me
Subject: Re: Request


Thank you for contacting Kraken support.

Unfortunately your request is slightly out of the scope of our operations 😉

Here is a link to our fee schedule if you are interested.

Wish you all the best!

Kind regards,
Kraken Client Engagement