Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!


From: Mr. Hunter

To: Felipe

Subject: Can I trust You?

Good Day,

I hope this message finds you in good health .

I am still waiting for your response to my numerous unreplied emails to you concerning your relative inheritance fund valued 6.2M USD left in our bank here before his untimely death. Contact me for more details on my private email address ( ) so that you can understand better.

I await your response.

Mr. Hunter

From: Felipe

To: Mr. Hunter

Subject: Regarding the matter of inheritance

Dear Mr. Hunter,

please accept my sincere unreserved apologies for the tardiness of my reply. Alas, your prior emails must have fallen between the proverbial digital cracks, for I do not seem to have received them. No matter, this one arrived safely.

Before we proceed to the essence of this matter, I must report that while your email did indeed find me in good health it then went on to cause me considerable inquietude.

I spent the better part of today fixating on the phrase "your relative inheritance". I rummaged through countless websites and even the local library in pursuit of comprehension of this hitherto unheard of expression. I quested through etymological dictionaries widespread and obscure as well as uncountable academic papers, all for naught. I explored all possible interpretations of each word's definitions, all in desperate attempts to unlock the secrets of this peculiar phrase whose meaning seemed to be eluding me with ever greater agility. Before my Sisyphean efforts could bare fruit, however, my inquisitive escapade was promptly halted by my wife who, having returned from work and much to her trepidation discovered our dining room's walls concealed beneath copious amounts of printouts and pages torn from books with words encircled by a pen and connected by red strings of yarn and with yours truly curled up beneath the table gripping my head and crying: "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? RELATIVE TO WHAT?!"

A few minutes later, having been sat on a sofa, wrapped in a blanket, and served some warm chamomile tea I showed a printout of your email to my wife. She rolled her eyes and made a subtle change to the wording with a red marker. The new phrase thus read "your relative's inheritance".

It was as if a wave of tranquility washed over me as I read those words. I glanced at my wife who was looking back at me, a warm smile adorning her lips. "I knew there was a reason I married this woman," I thought to myself.

Anyway, water under the bridge.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I am very much interested in further discourse concerning the aforementioned inheritance. As you can see I have likewise opted to use my ... "off the books" email address so we may converse freely.

Hope to hear back from you soon.

Best regards,

From: Mr. Hunter

To: Felipe


Dear F**** S******,

I thank you very much for your response, It is a great pleasure hearing from you and I believe that God has a purpose making us to know each other through this medium, Before i tell you more about this transaction let me tell you little more about myself. In a brief, I am Mr. Daniel Hunter and I have work under this BANQUE ATLANTIQUE as an auditor for many years, I am married and blessed with two kids, and we live at N °28 Avenida GRA Lome Capital City of Republic of Togo, My wife work with the University Teaching Hospital here in Lome the capital city of Togo.

I know you will be very surprised after going through my previous message because we have never met before, however i came across your contact while searching for the FAMILY of Mr. Thomas H. S****** and I found you and I decided to contact you to know your opinion, I made my intention open for you to understanding that Mr. Thomas H. S****** to our bank who died few years back in a car accident and left behind the total sum of (US$6.2 million) in the dormant account of the bank leaving nobody behind for the claim.

Normally if something likes this happen bank can only wait for some year for a next of kin to show up and if no claimant come-up bank will end the fund to Debt Re Conversion Department and the account will be closed, now the question is who runs the Debt Re-Conversion Department and who is the Management? The answer is simple. The Central Bank of the Government. This apex unit confiscates all the unclaimed funds. They are individual and these monies are shared by the board of directors and nobody asks question, In fact these issues are not even discussed outside board meetings.

But, as the Internal Auditor, and Account Officer to the deceased i decided to make it a deal and invite you as a foreign partner to represent the gap as the Next of kin by forwarding an (Application Letter of Claim) to the bank for legal approval and transfer of this fund into any of your reliable bank account overseas either in your Country or any part of the World. Due to the fact that you have the same Surname with the deceased and our country inheritance allow claim of funds as long as the last names are the same notwithstanding if it is from birth or marriage which means that even if you are not related to the deceased answering the same Surname alone has legally qualified you to put claim to this fund without any hindrances provided you follow my instructions, directives and put in your maximum assistance and total cooperation to this opportunity.

Furthermore once you officially apply for the claim, be informed that the entire legal documents that will be needed in this transaction will be legally issued and obtained in your name, which will legalize your position as the heir apparent to the fund according to Financial and Allied Matter Act, and this money (US$6.2 m) will be approve and transfer into your nominated bank account for us to share among ourselves.

For your information sometimes people deposited money in finance institution without the notice of their relatives, eventually when such people died what do you think happens to their money. Well this is one of the numerous avenues good free money is being generated within and among the officials of the finance institution. However since this opportunity is open to anybody, i do not see anything wrong or fraudulent in what we are doing as long as we are not hurting who should be hurt, In essence I will consider myself the most foolish-man that has ever lived if I have this opportunity and throw it to the wolves, I believe we can successfully archive this goal once we have common understanding and mutual cooperation in the execution of the modalities.

Once you indicate your sincere willingness to work with me, I will not hesitate to advise you on how to put claim over this fund as the beneficiary next of kin for the legal approval and transfer of this fund (US$6.2million) into your bank account for us to share among ourselves.

Note that i will be entitled to 50% of the total fund while 50% will be for you. Remain bless and have a good day as i hope to hearing from you soonest. I wait for your response. My Phone N° is : +228 798-4 22-32

Kind Regard

Mr. Daniel Hunter
Tel: +228-798-4 22-32

From: Felipe

To: Mr. Hunter


Dear Mr. Hunter,

before I address your email a few things need to be mentioned.

First, please be advised that I am severely annoyed that you would send your email to my original address when I have explicitly asked you to direct all further communication to the address from which I am currently responding. The matter we are about to discuss is - as I am sure you must understand even more than me - of a very delicate nature and I would therefore ask you take it seriously.

Second, my name is not really "F**** S******". I use that name as an alias so as to keep my true Inbox from being plagued by junk email. But do not worry. I possess a passport under the name of "F**** S******" as well.

Third, as you may have noticed my reply comes somewhat late for reasons I shall presently illuminate.

You will recall I expressed great anguish at the horrendous grammatical error you so carelessly implanted into your initial message. Knowing that, I am sure it will come as no surprise that reading your last message was no simple feat. Your malicious and repeated disdain toward formation of coherent sentences proved perilously devastating to my psychological fortitude previously weakened by your nonchalant linguistic proclivities. I do not remember what happened after I finished reading your email. All I know is I woke up in a hospital and have been told by my distraught wife - who has stayed by my hospital bed throughout the entire ordeal - that I have been in a coma for the past eight days.

My wife henceforth forbade me from reading your emails.

Fret not, however. I have already found a workaround.

A couple of years ago I conversed with a co-worker of mine who in a fit of inexplicable rage - after I interrupted him several times during the course of a single sentence he was seemingly unable to complete in a syntactically coherent manner - angrily called me a "Grammar Nazi". Having never heard the term before, I inferred from the context that it was probably a compliment and thought nothing of it.

I recalled the phrase again today as I pondered the best way to find a person - a "Nazi", as it were - who cared about linguistic rules as much as I and could reword your email so as to not cause me further harm. I googled the term and quickly found a chat room where these people seemed to aggregate. I poked and prodded around a bit and found a very polite man, Johnny1488, with a bachelor's degree in English language. Wishing to establish a rapport I engaged him in conversation. I shan't bore you with the details here, suffice it to say I learned a lot of surprising and worrisome information from this concerned citizen about the great replacement, the Jewish question, and a variety of related topics. I encourage you to read up on this as well, I will send you some material later.

After our conversation, Johnny kindly corrected your email for me.

Having parsed through it I had an initial impression that what you are suggesting sounds highly illegal. However, you later wrote:

However[,] since this opportunity is open to anybody [I] do not see anything wrong or fraudulent in what we are doing as long as we are not hurting [anybody] who should [not] be hurt.

That sounds very persuasive to me. Much like Johnny's arguments.

On the other hand, I question on what basis exactly you claim to be entitled to 50% of the money in that account. Quite frankly, I feel a little offended by that. Allow me to quote a part of that same passage of yours again:

[...] as long as we are not hurting [anybody] who should [not] be hurt.

Well you are hurting me, sir. As far as the law is concerned (as you assure me), we are talking about "my" dead relative here. Yet you deem it just to pocket 50% of his hard-earned wealth? That seems highly dubious to me. Before we proceed in any concrete way, I shall like an explanation of this outrageous allotment of funds.

Only after this is settled shall I agree to proceed.

Best regards,

From: Mr. Hunter

To: Felipe

[Awaiting reply]

Disclaimer: The initial email in this chain was actually not sent to me but rather to one of my friends. Knowing my penchants for wasting spammers' time he was gracious enough to pass the torch on to me.
In some of the emails the spammer addresses my friend by his full name. Those instances have been partially redacted.
My name is Tomaž.Tolkien and 40k lore aficionado, TV show connoisseur, Apple enthusiast, and fixer of computers. Referenced1 in several2 doctoral theses. Friendly unless provoked.
1Mentioned in dedication2Two
Also, I'm Batman.
Nice try. I'm untraceable, bitch!
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